tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-269834452024-03-14T02:41:29.599-04:00Many ManifestosWritings, Essays, Reviews, Webcomics...and BlatherMany Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.comBlogger125125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-40487949567532491292012-07-11T20:29:00.000-04:002012-07-12T12:51:29.971-04:00Coming Back From the Veg<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2PsOFuTXvfPbw6dmw69-Ed0BlCWWFGUiIviQfmhb7UxhJs-V84Q6P251XhV5HZt-cQxCOoVDDUHD68DNLEy06MNrQ5kgXLHYszyzHZbVkgtIEQTC_7kkBlLM5qT2bdTLacoId1w/s1600/photo+(4).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Bacony Love" border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2PsOFuTXvfPbw6dmw69-Ed0BlCWWFGUiIviQfmhb7UxhJs-V84Q6P251XhV5HZt-cQxCOoVDDUHD68DNLEy06MNrQ5kgXLHYszyzHZbVkgtIEQTC_7kkBlLM5qT2bdTLacoId1w/s200/photo+(4).JPG" title="" width="150" /></a></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I was a vegetarian for many years up until four months ago. I was only a vegetarian for environmental reasons, and I always said that if a doctor told me to eat meat again, I would. Well, four months ago my doctor said she was worried about my protein intake and iron levels, especially since it looked like I was becoming lactose intolerant. </span></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">She uttered the phrase: </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"I think you should reintroduce meat into your diet."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I sprinted out of the doctor's and ran towards the nearest cheeseburger. Just before I reached the nearest meat mecca, a sobering thought hit me: I probably had lost the ability to digest beef. This is a common ailment amoung former-herbivores. Usually their first beef experience is met with violent diarrhea. I don't like violent diarrhea, especially since I already have digestive issues. But then I realized that I could still eat the holy grail of meat: PORK. More specifically: bacon.</span><br />
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">There is only one word to describe my return to carnivorism:</span></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Delicious.</span></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Well, not really carnivorism. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I still love my vegetables, dairy, fruits and grains and try to keep them as my main food source. But no matter who you are, or what your background is, everyone once in awhile craves a big, juicy, meaty savory cheeseburger made from real meat, not mock meat. If you think mock meat fulfills this purpose, you are on hallucinatory drugs.</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I feel a bit hypocritical saying that, because I didn't enjoy my first post-vegetarianism burger until just a few days ago. The problem was that although I could immediately eat pork, seafood, and poultry, my stomach lacked the flora to properly digest beef. In fact, due to many of the medications I'm on, I still cannot enjoy beef. </span></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">However, in "my journey back" I have discovered a legitimate alternative to beef: bison. I figured my doctor would love it since it is leaner and higher in iron than beef. So I gave it a try.</span></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">We first made chili, and then made bison stew. All was delicious. The problem was that it's hard to really appreciate the pure flavor and specialized texture of meat unless you enjoy it in a bare form.</span></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So last week I finally got to enjoy the dish that I've been missing for so many years. I finally had a bison burger. In fact, I had a bison bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, mayo and ketchup.</span></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This was two weeks ago. I'm still having mouthgasms.</span></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I couldn't wait to try my next dish: bison meatloaf. On Sunday, my lovely boyfriend cooked me a glistening loaf of buffalo meat. He used Alton Brown's recipe for regular meatloaf, and this man's recipes usually do not fail. This was no exception. The flavor was just like I remember: comforting and satisfying. The only problem was that due to the leanness of the meat, the loaf slices tended to crumble. Next time we make this, we might introduce more fat or eggs to help with cohesion. But the meat crumbles are still delightful.</span></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Now, I'm not saying vegetarianism is an illogical diet. It works for some, but not others, depending on lifestyle, health, beliefs, etcetera. But I think there's very few, if any, people who really don't like the taste of meat. We are omnivores, which means we can sometimes crave bacon, or apples, or rice, or whatever just tickles your goddamned fancy, including bacon-covered-rice-stuffed-apples.</span></span></div>
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</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-90677200473987082242012-06-27T20:03:00.001-04:002012-06-27T20:21:56.729-04:0040 (Seemingly) Minor Offenses that Deserve Death by Firing Squad<ol>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Standing in doorways</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Talking loudly on your phone for no reason</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Groups walking in line down a street very slowly</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Not letting people merge</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Wearing Crocs in public</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Watching nothing but reality shows</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Smoking in crowded areas</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Discarding cigarette butts outside of an ashtray</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Listening to music too loudly on headphones</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Not only talking in theaters, but asking questions in a that no one nearby could have the answer to, i.e. "What happens next?"</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Getting offended at offhand cussing when there are only adults present</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Telling a woman that her behavior isn't "ladylike"</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Telling a total stranger to smile</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Littering</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Cutting in line</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Waiting until you get to the front of the line to decide on your food or drink order</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Listening to music on headphones while socializing</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Posting NSFW links without an NSFW tag</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Telling boring stories with no care for your audience</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Refusing to try new food</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Interrupting, especially interrupting the punchline to a long joke</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Bonus bullets if the above offender is a waiter/waitress</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Rehosting images without giving author credit </span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Using the word like for like every other like word. Do you people not hear yourselves?</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Using the word "irregardless" </span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Using the phrase "I could care less"</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Reckless malapropism. Look it up.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Indiscriminant contrarianism. "I don't like X because you like X." "But X is food." "Yeah never been a big fan."</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Not giving polite acknowledgment when someone is holding the door open for you</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Treating wait staff poorly</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Being more than 20 minutes late to meet up with someone (assuming everything was in the offender's control)</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Oversharing</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Not caring about politics</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Thinking reading is "for dorks"</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Leaving passive aggressive or vague Facebook status updates</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Leaving too many Facebook status updates</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Telling people to not fidget. Screw you! Don't tell me what to do with my body.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Talking way too much about how you love coffee</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Saying whatever you want but getting easily offended when others' speak their mind</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Thinking minor offenses should be punishable by death</span></li>
</ol><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-28332108292292250232012-06-25T19:04:00.002-04:002012-06-25T19:04:30.637-04:00My extremely intensive and extensive review of Prometheus<br />
<h3 class="post-title entry-title" style="color: #cc6600; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.4em; margin: 0.25em 0px 0px; padding: 0px 0px 4px; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.6em;">Ridley Scott, did you even read the fucking script?</span></h3>
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<br /><br />Grade: C-- (Only because it was pretty)</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-78565534028869871662012-03-22T16:05:00.001-04:002012-03-22T16:07:25.534-04:00When to Defend Shitty Writing (and When Not To)<br />
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Let me first state that I am not a gamer.
At least, not in the purist sense of the word. I have played a few notable
games, beaten a good portion of them, but this is a recent evolution. In short, I am very much a fan of the medium,
but not a connoisseur. I appreciate the way that it has evolved. Where once
they were arguably mindless distractions, they have become artistic epics. They are now a new medium of story
telling. This means they are a new
medium for writers. I, as a writer, appreciate how many recent video games have
come out with well-thought-out story lines.
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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A recent event in the
gaming world has highlighted this evolution, but not in a way that one would
expect...or hope. This event has pointed out the one fact all creatives know,
but often forget: writing matters.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The event in question was
the absolutely horrid conclusion to the Mass Effect trilogy. So as to avoid
spoilers or give away my complete geekazoid tendencies, I'll explain this video
game series as simply as possible. In this video game, your character
(Commander Shepard) is trying to save the universe from killer robots. The game
play allows the user to make choices, like a “Choose Your Own Adventure” novel,
and therefore suffer the consequences of those choices. Because there is so
much content in this game, the characters, relationships, events, and plot
lines are meticulously and artfully constructed. Well, for the most part. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The ending to this
trilogy completely ignored the choices, events, relationships, and plot lines
that had been forged. Therefore, it ignored
the entire spirit of the game and shoddily threw together a rushed ending that
had more plot holes than Arlington National Cemetery. <o:p></o:p></div>
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This has made the
Internet very, very angry. <o:p></o:p></div>
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So much so that there is
even a massive online campaign that is demanding the game's creator, Bioware,
to come out with an alternate ending (or endings). Naturally this has also
launched a counter, albeit much smaller, protest in favor of "keeping the
artwork as the artist intended it." <o:p></o:p></div>
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Here's the problem with
the art as the artist intended argument: artist are human beings capable of making mistakes. Artists can forget
major facts in realities they created, or just disregard them in favor of
saving themselves some hassle. In order for a storyline to be coherent, you
have to operate in the reality you created. You can't deviate radically from
your own story just to surprise the audience. In other words, you can't
bullshit an ending. Let me show you how operating in the reality of a story
matters even in a very, very short story:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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A sweet, innocent little
girl was sucking on a lollipop while picking flowers in a field of poppies. She
then raped the planet with her penis that ejaculated atomic bombs.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Now, aside from certain
subsets of hentai cultures, I, the artist, should not expect the many people to
buy this story. Just because I say it is a complete story doesn't mean it is.
The first part of this story has nothing to do with the last part. A sweet,
innocent little girl wouldn't rape the earth with her penis. Her character
description and her anatomy prevent that from happening. These two sentences
are just an offensive joke meant to get a reaction, not to complete a story. Writers
are not gods: they are fallible beings. That's why we have things called
editors. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Now, am I going to change
my little short story so that it makes more sense? No. Why? Because the purpose
of the story was to prove a point (and to maybe make myself laugh). It was
never my intention to publish it for the masses and expect them to have some
emotional investment in it. Unless you are writing a personal journal entry,
you have to keep your audience in mind.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh what the hell. I'll
change it to make more sense.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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A sweet, innocent, little
girl was sucking on a lollipop while picking flowers in a field of poppies.
Then, lightning struck a part of the field and the field caught on fire. As she
started to inhale the poppy fumes and the world around her began to bend like a
kaleidoscope. In her mind, she then raped the planet with her penis that
ejaculated atomic bombs, but in reality she was just sticking her lollipop into
a rabbit's ass.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-55451252387101599192012-01-18T11:05:00.000-05:002012-01-18T12:49:02.720-05:00Fuck SOPA<a href="http://www.fucksopa.com/">http://www.fucksopa.com/</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-5039967687732411482012-01-11T20:00:00.001-05:002012-01-13T19:48:26.386-05:00New American Fare<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The other day I went to a new restaurant called Apetitegeist. They had a chef that received a lot of hype when they first hired him, which was a few years ago. I hadn't had the chance to go until recently. Here's how the experience went.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: Welcome to Apetitegeist, where you are feisty for a feast! Let me sit you down at our finest table! Here is today's menu!</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I look at the menu and see only two options, a plate of buttered noodles or a bowl of diarrhea.</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: Oh I forgot to mention that we are not serving butter noodles today.</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: Are you out of it?</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: No, we just decided to take it off our menu.</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: Why?</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: Well we used to serve it , but the wait staff said they didn't like serving the dish, so we took it off our menu. </span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: So the chef decided to stop making it as well?</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: Oh no, the chef wanted to make a very flavorful pasta, with all sorts of herbs and spices, but the wait staff didn't think the customers would want it. So they only served buttered noodles. But then the customers began to complain that they wanted something other than buttered noodles.</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: So why not serve the chef's original dish?</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: Well, again, the wait staff didn't like serving that dish.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: But does that matter? Shouldn't the customers have some input?</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: No. You see, when you come here, you get to choose what waiter you want, and they choose your dish. So really you already have made your choice. I was just about to offer your choice of waiter.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: Can I choose a brand new waiter, maybe one from outside?</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: No, but you will be able to help us choose a new chef in about a year.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: But the chef isn't the problem! The wait staff are the ones making these ridiculous menu decisions. By the way, whose decision was it to add a bowl of diarrhea to the menu?</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: That was the wait staff's decision. They determined that the customers wouldn't want to pay very much for food, so we offered the cheapest possible option. Basically, the head waiter eats pasta, takes a laxative, and then shits into many bowls. You see how fantastically cheap that is? One plate of pasta produces several bowls of diarrhea. Can't you see the genius in that?</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: Why is the head waiter eating the pasta? You said they didn't like it.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: Oh, I didn't say they didn't like it. I just said they wouldn't serve it. Besides, customers want a cheaper dish. Hence the diarrhea.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; border-collapse: separate;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: But no one wants to pay to eat diarrhea.</span></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: Well then they can blame the chef for not trying to make better dishes.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: But he has! Are you all insane? Do you guys ever plan on hiring a new wait staff?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: No, again the wait staff isn't the problem. The chef is. He is not making the dishes the wait staff wants to serve.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: Who gives a shit what they want to serve? Don't you realize the money isn't coming from the wait staff, it's from the customers? They should decide whether or not they like the chef's food, not the dish jockeys who basically do what a conveyor belt can do!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: You're not understanding. The chef is making the bad dishes.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: No, he's not! You're taking his dishes and making them bad!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: You must have been listening to the hosts at that other restaurant. Don't listen to them, they are brain washing you. Now, why don't you have a nice hot bowl of diarrhea?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: This is insanity incarnate. How is this restaurant so full?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: Well, we tell the public that we are the best restaurant in the city. No one questions it, or our methods. NOR SHOULD THEY.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I put down the menu and put on my coat.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: I'm sorry but I just can't stomach this. I'm going to the restaurant just north of here. I seriously hope you and the wait staff seek professional help and maybe start listening to your customer's wants and needs rather than just blindly making decisions for them. Good day to you, sir.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As I am leaving, I hear the host whisper to the head waiter.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Host: You see that? Another customer dissatisfied with the chef's menu.</span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-55061076958772148432011-09-27T16:28:00.000-04:002012-01-11T20:13:14.480-05:00A Phone Conversation between Two CERN Scientists<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>Scientist
1 (at CERN):</b> Commencing neutrino beam in three...two...</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>Scientist 2 (at Gran
Sasso):</b> Uh, Sven, do you know how to do a fucking countdown? You obviously
already pressed the button too early, you ignoramus.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> What? No I
didn't! I haven't pressed the button yet! And don't call me an ignoramus,
Antonio.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> You sure you
haven't pressed the button yet? Look at it to make sure you didn't drop some of
your country's tasteless chocolate on it.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> Button’s
clean, fascist. You sure your greasy, fat ass wasn't too busy eating lasagna
when you were supposed to be archiving the results from the previous test? By
the way I just pressed the button, Mussolini.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> I archived those
results last night, you Aryan douchenozzle. Oh, now the neutrinos have stopped.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> Ok let's try this
shit again, but first let's text each other pictures of our consoles just so we
both know they are clean.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> Agreed.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> Ok sent.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> Same.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b>
Received.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> Same. Ok let's
try this again. Commencing neutrino beam in three...two...</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> Ok seriously,
Sven, your head must have as many holes as your disgusting national cheese.
You pressed the button too goddamned early again.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> ...one. Are
you fucking with me? I pressed the button right when I said one. Besides, no
one can trust a whop's sense of timing.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> Suck it, commie.
Is there anyone at that broke dick lab that can confirm your countdown?</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> YES! Clause can.
You know how punctual those German assholes are.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> Then put that
Gestapo on the line.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S3:</b> I confirm that
Sven's countdown was accurate.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> Really?</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S3:</b> Affirmative.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> Now can your
greasy fingers send me another pic of your console to confirm the results?</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> Already sent.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> And received.
Huh.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> Yeah I'm stumped
too.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> Do you think it's
possible that...</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> I know what
you're thinking. Let's not be hasty. Let's run the test one more time.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> Agreed. Ok
commencing neutrino beam in 3...2...</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> Neutrinos
received!</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> ...ONE. WHAT THE
FUCK?!?!</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> Is it possible
these neutrinos are coming faster than the speed of light?</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> Funny, your wife
said the same thing about your dick last night.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> What?</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> Nothing. Anyway,
these neutrinos just might be traveling faster than the speed of light. That
would be amazing!</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> Yeah, but we
should ask some of our buddies to check our results. But man, if this is true,
you know what that means?</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> That time travel
is possible. And if time travel is possible we could...</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> Prevent America
from being colonized?</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S1:</b> Yes. Fuck
Americans.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black; line-height: 115%;"><b>S2:</b> Yeah seriously,
fuck those guys.</span></span></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-75738449195305456532011-06-07T22:16:00.052-04:002011-06-07T22:45:13.406-04:00Game of Thrones Drinking Game for Drinking Gamers<span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">My boyfriend recently got me into the HBO show Game of Thrones. Whenever my boyfriend and I watch something together, I have a habit of yelling “There they are, I was wondering where they were!” whenever I see boobs on the screen. Sometimes, for brevity, I’ll just shout “TITS!” </span></span><br />
<div style="background-color: transparent; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I found myself doing this to exhaustion by the fourth episode of GOT. My boyfriend was drinking a beer, so I said “You should drink every time there are boobs on the screen.” This was towards the last few minutes of the episode, so he only took about 10 more sips of his beer.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Earlier last week, we were discussing watching Game of Thrones and the drinking game. I suggested that we add a few more rules to the game. After much bickering, we nailed down the rules.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: large; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><u>Rules For Games of Thrones Drinking Game for Drinking Gamers</u></span></span><br />
<br />
<ol>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Drink once for every boob shot.</span></li>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Drink once for every cock shot.</span></li>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Drink once if you see blood.</span></li>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Drink for the duration of any sex scene.</span></li>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">If a main character dies, finish your drink.</span></li>
<li style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">If you see 1-5 all in the same scene, shotgun a beer. </span></li>
</ol>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIDfeuV51GRe5e0Yys4Q6QLnRE3RFJlkyS-bV8C_EPwtVvyaKh4EVO6jxrRbtmrNXK34k-VSIBjGtpeAzwf78A1A8jGgNsuzuP3mi7XL72yyJGDngovQosUi_jdRvfoCss0xU5Aw/s1600/khal_drogo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIDfeuV51GRe5e0Yys4Q6QLnRE3RFJlkyS-bV8C_EPwtVvyaKh4EVO6jxrRbtmrNXK34k-VSIBjGtpeAzwf78A1A8jGgNsuzuP3mi7XL72yyJGDngovQosUi_jdRvfoCss0xU5Aw/s1600/khal_drogo.jpg" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The above pic does not count as
boob shot....unfortunately.</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Sounds pretty simple, but it is effective. I couldn’t drink last night due to illness, so my man was on his own. By the end of the seventh episode, he was drunker than a Irish sailor on New Year’s Eve.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-40983664966173848472011-04-16T17:28:00.000-04:002011-04-16T17:28:05.441-04:00Dear You Giant C-Word<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">So you back for more, eh? I should have suspected you were stupid enough to come back to get your ass kicked again. You’re like stormtroopers meets the foot. You come in droves, and you keep getting your balls handed to you. Your technique is sloppy and your aim is horrible</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Like the stormtroopers, you live in this gargantuan mass that is ominous, but not without penetrable weaknesses. And where do I live? I live in the in the Millennium Falcon and have a timeshare in an X-Wing. With almost no </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px; line-height: 18px;">effort I will destroy you, and without the use of a targeting computer</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px; line-height: 18px;">.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJupFVCLOSK7FVBM4lsI5co0VSHyaL2UwEVYd-DT8BKccGfdB4rfnyXzs3Xb1R3EMouxhtrdSdRGr7EnueAs6igBZwFK_BAqGFyiVkSs7OyH5u8F9u7-ImjwKCS6XBcJCnurhJIQ/s1600/death-star-explosion.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="137" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJupFVCLOSK7FVBM4lsI5co0VSHyaL2UwEVYd-DT8BKccGfdB4rfnyXzs3Xb1R3EMouxhtrdSdRGr7EnueAs6igBZwFK_BAqGFyiVkSs7OyH5u8F9u7-ImjwKCS6XBcJCnurhJIQ/s320/death-star-explosion.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">You may think I’m Alderaan. I am Luke Skywalker, Lando Calrissian, and Wedge Antilles combined. I am a Jedi ninja, I will use the Force up your ass and then take some nun-chucks to your nads.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">At times you may have made me feel like Raphael on top of April O’Neil’s apartment. But then I remember all the awesome friends and family members I have, and then I remember that I’m actually Splinter, and I will make </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">you die…without honor.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Sincerely,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Heather a.k.a The Jedi Ninja</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-91020715117363198992011-03-14T18:33:00.001-04:002011-03-14T18:33:37.862-04:00Breast Cancer Slacktivism<div style="line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Another instance of Facebook slacktivism has been circulating. This one involves another extremely ambiguous meme that has the covert purpose of raising awareness of breast cancer. It involves posting a fruit name in your status that is a code for your relationship status (e.g., Blueberry=single). This is somehow supposed to raise awareness of breast cancer. In my experience, the best way to make people aware of breast cancer is to...make people aware of breast cancer. Giving people codes to decipher means the message is extremely unclear. Also, this meme does not encourage people to donate to any charities. This event is supposed to take place on Sunday. </span></div><div style="line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">I ask you, my Internet friends, to not engage in this. It does not help the cause in any way. Rather, on Sunday, if you really do care about breast cancer awareness and research, post this link on your social networking sites: </span></div><div style="line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Want to ACTUALLY raise breast cancer awareness? Please donate:</span></div><div style="line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/Dear%20Facebook%20Friends,%20%20%20Another%20instance%20of%20facebook%20slacktivism%20has%20been%20circulating.%20This%20one%20involves%20another%20extremely%20ambiguous%20meme%20that%20has%20the%20covert%20purpose%20of%20raising%20awareness%20of%20breast%20cancer.%20It%20involves%20posting%20a%20fruit%20name%20in%20your%20status%20that%20is%20a%20code%20for%20your%20relationship%20status%20(e.g.,%20Blueberry=single).%20This%20is%20somehow%20supposed%20to%20raise%20awareness%20of%20breast%20cancer.%20In%20my%20experience,%20the%20best%20way%20to%20make%20people%20aware%20of%20breast%20cancer%20is%20to...make%20people%20aware%20of%20breast%20cancer.%20Giving%20people%20codes%20to%20decipher%20means%20the%20message%20is%20extremely%20unclear.%20Also,%20this%20meme%20does%20not%20encourage%20people%20to%20donate%20to%20any%20charities.%20This%20event%20is%20supposed%20to%20take%20place%20on%20Sunday.%20%20%20%20I%20ask%20you,%20my%20friends,%20to%20not%20engage%20in%20this.%20It%20does%20not%20help%20the%20cause%20in%20any%20way.%20Rather,%20on%20Sunday,%20if%20you%20really%20do%20care%20about%20breast%20cancer%20awareness%20and%20research,%20post%20this%20link%20on%20your%20facebook:%20%20%20%20Want%20to%20ACTUALLY%20raise%20breast%20cancer%20awareness?%20Please%20donate:%20%20https://support.bcrfcure.org/civicrm/contribute/transact?reset=1&id=14%20%20%20Sorry%20to%20be%20so%20forward,%20but%20as%20many%20of%20you%20know,%20this%20issue%20is%20sacred%20to%20me."> https://support.bcrfcure.org/civicrm/contribute/transact?reset=1&id=14</a></span></div><div style="line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Sorry to be so forward, but as many of you know, this issue is sacred to me. </span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-63526977800689620972011-03-07T21:40:00.000-05:002011-03-07T21:40:06.700-05:00Springtime! Blossoming Bosoms Abound!<div style="background-color: transparent;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My final surgery was undertaken on Wednesday. In addition to replacing the expander in my right breast with a permanent silicon implant, the surgeon also had the task of giving me the gift of cleavage. I never had much had much of a cleft chest with my original set, and the chest expander robbed me of what little I had. Indeed, my breasts looked as if they were parted by Moses. They didn’t look horrible or anything, they just didn’t look like they got along very well, as if they were opposing magnetic forces. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My new toys are still in their original packaging, but I can already feel that they are becoming very close friends. This leads me to the ultimate question: what are some practical uses for new cleavage? I’ve decided to compile this list of 30 uses so that everyone who is endowed with mountainous peaks can put their plunging valleys to good use.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Uses for Cleavage</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><ol><li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Cup holder</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Key rack</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Hidden storage of valuables (money clip, cell phone)</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Display case for action figures</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Miniature flag holder on the fourth of July</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Derringer holster, and along those lines...</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Clip holder</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Knife holster</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Pen cup</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">MP3 player holder</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Sunglasses case</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Pez Dispenser</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Hiding place for a Horcrux</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Ad space </span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Snak Pak storage</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Lipstick applicator</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Tissue Box</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Martini shaker holder (shaken by dancing to Juvenile)</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Beer-Bong Tube stabilizer (while doing a handstand)</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Hiding spot for Easter eggs</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Mistletoe holder</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Jump drive protector</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Flower vase</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Push Pop purveyor</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Beer can crusher </span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Popsicle holder</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Cookie jar</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Holder for hands-free tooth brushing</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Audio bug for espionage (ala True Lies)</span></span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Man attractor</span></span></li>
</ol></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-23513191621260805712011-01-26T14:23:00.003-05:002011-01-27T10:03:44.827-05:0045 Priceless Lifehacks<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><br />
<div style="background-color: transparent; font-size: medium; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><span id="internal-source-marker_0.4344354767818004" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here is some random bits of advice I’ve collected over the years. Some are philosophical, some are practical, all of them are golden.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></span><br />
<ol><li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Every once in awhile, ignore your instincts, especially if there is a high chance of fun and a low chance of harm.</span></span></li>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;">
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Once a month, tell someone you love that you love them.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">F6 highlights your address bar. Same with ctrl+L.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Study the Constitution. Memorize all the amendments.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For the girls- don't take your purse to the bathroom, everyone knows your on your period and you aren't fooling anyone. If you really want to be sneaky, get those compact tampons and stuff them in your cleavage. If not, woman up, stand proud, wave that tampon in the air and shout “I’m a fertile female and indubitably proud of it!”</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Brush your teeth in the shower. It will save time and it will get your teeth cleaner. *EDIT* Brush your teeth while you are rinsing your hair off so as not to waste any water. Click <a href="http://econduct.blogspot.com/search/label/water%20conservation">here </a>for more ideas on water conservation.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If your significant other asks you what you are thinking, always say “I’m thinking about how much I love you.” This will improve your relationship immensely. Don’t do this if you want to break up with the person.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you think others are judging you, it’s only you that’s judging you.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Every once in awhile, just stop giving a shit.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fear is meant to stop you from dying. Don’t let it stop you from living.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Keep a dream journal. It will help improve your memory.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you know you have to remember what a person is saying, and you don’t have a way of recording them, ask them to say it three times clearly. Watch their lips move when they say it.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Read a book a month.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Keep your student ID with you forever. Use it everywhere to get discounts.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Instead of buying storage containers, stop throwing out glass products. A jar for pasta sauce is a great way for transporting your lunch.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Take care of your feet. Always wear shoes that are at least semi-comfortable and good socks.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Don’t watch reality TV, unless it’s a documentary. Watch one documentary a month.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Do or make something you are proud of everyday.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Learn to drive stick.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Learn the following bits of car maintenance:</span></li>
<ol><li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: lower-alpha; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Oil Change</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: lower-alpha; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Flat Tire Change</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: lower-alpha; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Battery Jump</span></li>
</ol><li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Always carry a pen.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Learn to play an instrument.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you are in trouble, don’t yell for help, yell “fire”.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Walk it off” will not work for most types of physical pain, but it may help with emotional pain.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Once a season, take yourself out on a date. Give yourself a spa day, treat yourself to a nice meal. Write a love letter to yourself.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">F2 renames files.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Use toothpaste on bug bites and zits.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you are making pasta and the water starts to boil over, add a splash of olive oil.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Don’t play charades against deaf people.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Don’t care about people’s beliefs. Care about their actions.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Financial Aid doesn’t charge interest if you pay it off within sixth months after graduation. If you don’t need the money, take out a Financial Aid loan and put it in a 4-year CD. Keep the interest. It’s free money! (I’m not totally sure if this is legal.)</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Always return a car with a full tank of gas.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In general, don’t unpack your suitcase if you don’t have to. You are more likely to lose stuff if you do unpack.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Stand on the right, walk on the left.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Be nice to the new kid.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Accept the fact that you don’t know anything. Read Socrates.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Learn basic home repair.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Don’t overreact, don’t underreact. Just react.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Success is 49% talent and 51% persistence. Never give up.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Moisturize.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No one ever got better by winning. Be a gracious loser.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To open stubborn jars, tap the side of the lid on the counter first, then open.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Clicking links with the Middle-Mouse (scroll wheel) will open them in a new tab.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Golden Rule applies to romantic relationships as well.</span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line.</span></li>
</span></ol></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-1678239080671780802010-12-27T13:21:00.001-05:002010-12-27T13:22:08.063-05:00New Blog StartedBecause I don't have nearly enough blogs (three and counting) I've decided to create a new one just for my webcomic. It's the most awesome comic you will every read in your lifetime. Enjoy!<br />
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<a href="http://flibbertyjibbitjamboree.blogspot.com/">http://flibbertyjibbitjamboree.blogspot.com/</a><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-83818972169609333702010-12-13T21:00:00.004-05:002010-12-13T21:09:25.617-05:00A Sneak Peak Into What I Do With my Spare TimeI've been working on a lot of non-blog related writing projects lately. I will post them when the time is right. In the meantime, I would like to share something personal with you.<br />
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Sometimes, when I'm bored or have writer's block, I like to come up with headlines for The Onion. This is a leftover habit from when I used to run a alternative/humor paper. I hope you enjoy this sample of the headlines I've come up with over the years. I should warn you, some of these are based on true stories. I'd like to see if you can guess which ones.<br />
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<u><span style="font-size: small;">Headline Ideas for The Onion</span></u><br />
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<div>1) Closeted hardcore sports fan still trying to convince gay friends of his homosexuality</div><div></div><div>2) Crazy Girl insisting "you never listen" or some shit</div><div></div><div>3) Nation's Toddlers Express Dissatisfaction with status quo by screaming, rolling on floor</div><div></div><div>4) New concealer reduces women's age appearance to fetal stages</div><div></div><div>5) Local Man was like totally wasted off his ass last night, dude</div><div></div><div>6) Why I hate Couples, by a desparately single female (not humor)</div><div></div><div>7) Local Dumb and Ugly girl's facebook shows too much face and not enough book- Bimbo Brownbagger</div><div></div><div>8) Online Doppleganger generator yields displeasing results</div><div></div><div>9) Every sentence puntuated with glance at iphone</div><div></div><div>10) Malapropism misdefiled in dictionary</div><div></div><div>11) White man views only black friends as his own personal, real life magic negro</div><div></div><div>12) Procrastination Key in Immortality</div><div></div><div>13) Child of McMansion Suburbs Realizes There Are Many, Many Places Like Home</div><div></div><div>14) Absence Makes the Heart Grow....Meh</div><div></div><div>15) Why Marriage is a Social By Product by Boyfriend</div><div></div><div>16) Stop stalling and make a commitment by Girlfriend</div><div></div><div>17) First Came Love, Marriage Left Unsatisfied Yet Again</div><div></div><div>18) John Boehner Threatens to Karate Chop the Limbs off Congress</div><div></div><div>19) Local Man Drinks too much, Takes advantage of self- "I woke up with a tube sock around my junk. I was so humiliated."</div><div></div><div>20) Guy You're Dating 100 percent full of shit, according to friends</div><div></div><div>21) Hippie's lack of carbon footprint offset by abundance of dickishness</div><div></div><div>22) Boyfriend convinces girlfriend of porn collection's rising resale value</div><div></div><div>23) Recently Single Man Immediatly Gets Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Friendster, and LinkedIn Accounts</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-54035407071830600242010-11-14T22:42:00.000-05:002010-11-14T22:42:34.251-05:00Stupidity is a Lifestyle Choice<div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span id="internal-source-marker_0.38235864179083456" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Intellectual elitism. This is the new adage for the American people. It is our political zeitgeist. Because of this, Americans can now add “stupid” to this list of adjectives the world outside their borders assigns them, right between “fat” and “loud.” It seems the American public has lost erudite ways.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Since when is it ok to be stupid by choice? I hate to pull the cliche phrase “When I was growing up...” but when I was growing up, I was taught that the brain is the strongest muscle. I was also taught something else: intellectual elitism is an oxymoron. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">In my science class, we would learn that every animal has evolved different survival traits. Cheetahs have speed. Gorillas have strength. Rats have strength in numbers. I remember asking my teacher exactly what survival traits humans have. She didn’t answer with words, she just pointed to her head, and we all understood. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Human beings have (supposed) superior intelligence to all other beings. Our intelligence has made us the dominant species on this planet. Intelligence has advanced civilization, saved lives, fostered technology and the arts, and has even fostered itself. While advanced intelligence has never achieved celebrity status, it has always been revered. Until recently. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Our recent political discourse seems to demonize anything resembling cerebral snobbery. This confuses me, because don’t we want smart people in politics? These are people who are in control of civilization, so therefore don’t we want people who have the capacity to understand how civilization works? The problem is many Americans are told to vote using anything but their heads. Fiscal conservatives are told to vote with their wallets. Women are told to vote with their uteruses. Patriots are told to vote with their hearts.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">When I was a young girl, I asked my grandmother why she didn’t vote for Ross Perot (I was told there was no such thing as a stupid question). She told me that “He’s fit to run a company, but not fit to run a country.” This statement didn’t hit me directly. Instead it led me to form my own political philosophy. As I became older, it became more refined. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Most people vote for someone who shares the same core values as them. This is the same mentality we assume when we are looking for a life partner. This concept is inately flawed, because a life partner relationship involves only two people. A political relationship involves a whole society. Unfortunately, the life partner relationship is not a microcosm of the prudish American society.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Rather, when we vote for a person, we need to pretend that we are voting for a boss at work. If you were able to vote for your boss, would you rather prefer someone with little experience in your field who happens to share a similar lifestyle to yours, or a person who has experience, intelligence, and fortitude? We want someone that can not only keep us employed, but who can also keep the rest of the company afloat. This is pretty much where the metaphor ends since I don’t want to get into capitalist/healthcare debate.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Perhaps the blame for this brainy bafflement could be at least partly fall on intellectuals. As opposed to physical acuity, mental acuity seems to be squandered. While physical athletes purposefully place themselves on pedestals of inspiration that beckon their followers to ascend to their heights, intellectuals shut themselves out of mainstream society. What we don’t realize is that we have the power to control society, because it is built off of our ideas. We are not part of the machine, but we built the machine. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">As I said before, intellectual elitism is an oxymoron. Intellect is what makes us human. Since we are all human, it can’t be solely the property of the elite. We all own intellect, but we have choice on whether or not we use it. The average human has the capacity for great ideas, much like the average human has the capacity to run long distances. Every human has potential, and it is an insult to ourselves to not explore the wonders within our own minds. If we don’t find our mental skills, it is because we are self-limiting and lazy. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Some say that they don’t have the capacity to solve certain mental problems. Whenever I hear someone say “I’m bad at math” or “I can’t learn a language,” I tell them to do the following:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">1) Forget you are bad at X.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">2) Accept that every problem with X has a solution.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">3) Accept that you have the capacity to find that solution.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">If they don’t follow these rules, they are just being lazy. Our society has always denigrated physical laziness. We need to start denigrating mental laziness as well.</span></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-24879495443947063622010-10-01T23:22:00.004-04:002010-10-20T15:07:58.948-04:00Supreme Extremes<div style="font-family: inherit;"><span id="internal-source-marker_0.4167335149446695" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I was a child of polarity. I was either loquacious or mute. I would climb a tree too high just for the thrill of it, or I would cower at the top of a flight of stairs. I would fearlessly ride the 70 mile-a-second water slide at the water park, but I would wallow in anxiety at the sight of the ocean. I would either over perform in school, or spend most of my after school hours in parent-teacher meetings.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I had an older cousin who, being an only child, had a surplus of sibling torture that needed to be expended. Since I was the next of kin in the family tree, the fruit of her ire fell my way. For example, I should be blind from the amount of dirtballs and household chemicals she flung in my face. I think she might be a huge part of the reason for my hot-or-cold personality.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The inception of this serious personality flaw occurred one fateful evening in the summer of my eighth year on this planet. We were in Ocean City, Maryland at Trimper’s Boardwalk Rides. I was having the time of my life. I had just finished a funnel cake after thoroughly kicking a fair load of ass at skeeball.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">We were wandering around, letting our sugary, fried foods digest, when my cousin made an ominous suggestion. “Hey, you have never ridden...The Zipper. Why don’t we try it out?” A wide, toothy grin spread across her face like a virus at a frat party. I interpreted this smile as </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Heather is too much of a wussy to handle this ride. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Why you’re right, cuz, I haven’t ridden it. But whaddya say we give it a whirl?” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I was on top of the world. I had ridden all the scariest rides, from the face-flattening Avalanche to the vomit-inducing Crazy Dance. There was no way I would be ousted by a ride so innocuously named as “The Zipper.” I didn’t care if my cousin had ridden this ride before and was trying to trick me, I knew I could handle this task.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">As we walked to get our tickets, I noticed that my cousin’s devilish smile had not faded. I thought it was stubbornness, but in my later years I now realized that the smile meant </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">this dip has no idea what she’s in for</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">There was no line for this ride, so I had no chance to see the ride in action. We handed our tickets to the mangy carnie and then waited as our seats came into position. By seats, I mean medieval body-shaped cages just big enough for two people. I looked at my cousin, who was still donning a fiendish grin. My pride prevailed and I hopped into the iron maiden. And then it began...</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The ride moved four feet and my stomach turned into a centrifuge. I felt like I was being exorcised. I screamed like a banshee through a bullhorn. Tears spewed from my eyelids like flood waters through broken levies. Our cage seemed caught in a perpetual rocking motion. I then realized that we weren’t really moving forward.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The Zipper is a series of free-rotating cages that are hooked up to a chainsaw-like rig. So not only is the cage rotating, said cage is on a rig that is also rotating, and it can alternate directions. If you are having trouble picturing the motion, imagine you are on an extremely fast merry-go-round. Now imagine that that merry-go-round is on a bigger and faster merry-go-round that is moving in the opposite direction. Now imagine that both merry-go-rounds are moving in three-dimensions. It something close to that feeling. With all these forces at play, even the most minor movement is gut-wrenching. The reason why we had only moved four feet was because the carnie was loading the only other two dumbasses who were “brave” enough to ride this death machine. They were boarded, and the express train to hell left the station.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I don’t remember much from this point. It was as if God were playing a game of trick pool, and he was using Earth as his cue ball. Everything was spinning out of control. The only way I would be able to recreate this feeling in my adult life would be by spending too much time with my frenemy, Jose Cuervo. My insides felt like they were being processed through a meat-grinder. My visual memory is limited to blurry shapes and darkness. I felt a warm liquid near my ears. I thought maybe my ears were bleeding from my own screams.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Later I would learn it was pools of saliva emanating from my cousin’s mouth as laughter erupted from her like lava from Mt. Pele.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">After what seemed like eons, the hellish journey was finally over. As our cage inched closer to the unloading zone, I tried to compose myself. I had lost some hand-eye coordination due to extreme vertigo. I’m also sure that my excessive crying had led to dehydration.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I heard the click of the cage handle, and I breathed a sigh of relief. The door began to open, and I believe I saw providence on the other side. Then around the door emerged the troll-like face of the carnie operator. He was wearing the same smirk that my cousin was wearing. He spoke forth the words that were powerful enough to open a Pandora’s box worth of emotions from me: </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“You kids wanna another ride?” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I was frozen with fear, and I felt like my soul was melting. It was like his mouth was the Arch of the Covenant.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">My cousin nodded emphatically, and then the door clanked shut. It blasted in my ears, like a gas truck crashing into a fireworks factory. Also, in the cab of this gas truck were my closest friends and family, and the fireworks factory was located in Santa’s palace.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The next few minutes are a total blank. For all I know I could have reached total spiritual enlightenment. The next thing I remember was coming to on a sidewalk bench, my shirt soaked with tears and sweat, and my mother hugging me and stroking my hair. When people passing by asked what happen, my cousin explained, still donning that demonic grin, “she got caught in The Zipper.”</span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-26705059724857765822010-08-25T18:02:00.001-04:002010-11-16T15:33:23.844-05:00Flibberty Jibbit Jamboree: SUPERSIZED EDITIONThis FJJ was inspired by true events. Some instances have been slightly exaggerated for comedic effect. Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. (Click for big)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeCwd5VEitbakjr2AZnpu9kF1lImj2_E4BizW0JpWjHtF38AzalRdCYqj24940RCI4_ttMbDpKWloooAr7SZD6RZ_8AwVsS3SsDZWyRjzBD9tx6x1OJB6ZhynxTZ04qkHk_wG0fw/s1600/FJJ4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeCwd5VEitbakjr2AZnpu9kF1lImj2_E4BizW0JpWjHtF38AzalRdCYqj24940RCI4_ttMbDpKWloooAr7SZD6RZ_8AwVsS3SsDZWyRjzBD9tx6x1OJB6ZhynxTZ04qkHk_wG0fw/s640/FJJ4.jpg" width="443" /></a></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-7600744947756197332010-07-29T17:51:00.003-04:002010-08-14T15:10:46.557-04:00Rejection Collection<div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">I was rejected by McSweeney's, again. But I don't let this get me down. I've learned that in order to be successful, you have to learn to deal with failure. Persistence is key. Here are some statistics that you may find intriguing:</span></div><ol style="font-family: inherit;"><li><span style="font-size: small;"><b>The Diary of Anne Frank </b>was rejected by 15 publishers.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Lord of the Flies</b> was rejected by 20 publishers.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">Stephen Kings <b>Carrie </b>was rejected by 30 publishers.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">Jack London's first story received 600 rejection slips.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone</b> was rejected by dozens of publishers. The only reason it was picked up by Bloomsbury is because the CEO's granddaughter begged him to do so.</span></li>
</ol><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">So in the interest of good humor, I've decided to post my rejected submissions to McSweeney's "Lists" section. And here the are:</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><meta content="text/html; charset=utf-8" http-equiv="Content-Type"></meta><meta content="Word.Document" name="ProgId"></meta><meta content="Microsoft Word 12" name="Generator"></meta><meta content="Microsoft Word 12" name="Originator"></meta><link href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CHODONN%7E1%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List"></link><link href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CHODONN%7E1%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx" rel="themeData"></link><link href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CHODONN%7E1%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml" rel="colorSchemeMapping"></link><style>
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</style> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Thrilling Documentary Titles that Cleverly Disguise Their Boring Subject Matter</span></div><ol style="font-family: inherit;"><li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Dye Hard with a Vengeance: How to Dye Your Fabrics without Getting Blown to Smithereens<o:p></o:p> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">The WWF: The Wonderful World of Fungi!<o:p> </o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p>Let's Go to the Post Office!<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Lethal Tampon 3: Avoiding Endometriosis<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Pill Bill, Volume 2- Healthcare Reform, or Here come the Bribes<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Crouching Carpetbagger, Riding Wagon: The Midwest Migration<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">How Astrology can KILL YOU!! <span style="font-size: xx-small;">But probably won't….</span><o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Putting the RAP in ScRAPbooking<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">A Time to Quilt</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p>The Hot, Steamy, Sensuous, Exciting, and Thrilling Sport of Golf</span></li>
</ol><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</style> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Lies "Insert Name Here" Told You</span><o:p></o:p></span></div><ol style="font-family: inherit;"><li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">A degree in liberal arts will help provide for your future. - Guidance Counselor<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">It is wise to put money in your 401k. - Accountant<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">"Synecdoche, New York" is a great movie. - Roger Ebert<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Democracy is a political government carried out either directly by the people (direct democracy) or by means of elected representatives of the people (Representative democracy). - Wikipedia<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">That halter top looks great on you. - Sales Clerk at Dress Barn<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">I will remember you. - Sarah McLachlan<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">You will never amount to anything. Just kidding! You see kids, that is what we call "reverse psychology". - Psych Professor<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Free Masons DON'T run the country. - Shifty-Eyed Government Agent<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">You could win money instantly! - Pepsi, Coke, Snapple<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">I love you. - Elmo, Ex, Mother</span><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ol><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-39403617478079586932010-07-21T11:40:00.002-04:002010-07-21T21:38:34.529-04:00How to Deal with Humans<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjirvSWhVt62UKbCRSWgaRoWO-5eRidxGPmyAH2PLtW4_ZhZjeJFnPtyNeQaA-o88a3wHlA80EySduMhYigFklW3SA0yPOY7b3w31tJuFLCFOxaHEZxGRfaZTVtuBXkYtWY-Caf0A/s1600/crowd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjirvSWhVt62UKbCRSWgaRoWO-5eRidxGPmyAH2PLtW4_ZhZjeJFnPtyNeQaA-o88a3wHlA80EySduMhYigFklW3SA0yPOY7b3w31tJuFLCFOxaHEZxGRfaZTVtuBXkYtWY-Caf0A/s320/crowd.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>I traveled to Chicago this weekend to visit my mother. She lives there part-time because her company’s headquarters is there. This time around she invited me and my stepsister to come with her. <br />
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Coincidentally, they were shooting a scene for Transformers III just blocks from the apartment. It was an action scene, so it took up the entire Michigan Avenue bridge as well as several blocks surrounding it. As you can imagined, crowds swarmed in many areas, not only to see the action, but also because of the detours in several areas surrounding the scene, being that it was blocking one of the most major arteries in the city. There were several crowd control agents at many of the major intersections. These people had probably the worst job imaginable. They were yelling at people not to stop in the roadways, not to wait in stairwells, basically doing everything to keep traffic flowing. Because people, especially tourists, are stupid, a lot of them were getting yelled at. These crowd control agents had the worst job because their job is vital to keeping people safe but they are hated for it. <br />
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I was walking down a stairwell to get to the Chicago Riverwalk, and one the people in front of me stopped to answer a text. The crowd control agent yelled at him to keep walking. As he started walking again, he said “Jeez, what a bitch. Why did she have to yell at me?” As we reached the end of the stairwell, I said “Look behind you, and then look up.” He looked behind him and then looked up. “When you stopped, we all stopped. That’s why she yelled at you.” I pointed out how some of the people caught at the top of the stairwell were stopped in the street, and how that could cause accidents. It’s amazing how defensive people can get when the perceived to be threaten by authority. <br />
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A similar incident happened later after my family and I had just finished an architectural river boat cruise. The whole cruise of about 200 people had to exit off of this one platform. One of the geriatrics stopped to talk to one of the crewman, effectively blocking THE REST OF THE PASSENGERS from exiting. The crew member did nothing to move this person out of the way, they just stood there and answered her inane questions. After about ten seconds, I asked the woman kindly but forcefully to move out of the way so that the rest of us could exit. She looked at me as if I had asked her how much she would charge for a hand job. Her icy demeanor didn’t bother me though, because it was effectively melted by the gratitude of the HUNDREDS of people behind me.<br />
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We are social creatures, yet we do not understand our own social hierarchies. We don’t know how crowds work, we either defy authority completely or follow it blindly, and we seem to favor emotion over logic. All of these situations are dangerous for both personal and societal well-being, especially the part on authority. We will gladly defy our doctors, teachers, career mentors and other figures of personal authority, but then we will blindly follow figures of societal authority, as seen with the Nazi regime. I think the crux of this problem is that people do not bother to make themselves aware of themselves, their environment, and their situations. Some people just sleepwalk through their lives. I’m guilty of this every now and then. Sometimes I’ll be deep in thought, or just too tired to concentrate. However, when someone wakes me from this mental slumber, I am grateful. Unfortunately, most others react with defensiveness or disgust.<br />
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This problem can be solved if people accept the following truths/life lessons:<br />
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1) There is a big world around you, and there are billions of other people in it. This can be explained by this Venn diagram.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2cAbfMm5BJcB2-OpBMsVBuPmYZ-oONYaWzwvAcv4fCRCKgvMSDTS1Bg4EVRcH3GPof08pTmsjnNeAoJJyY3T9PAzAVeCEvozy47ht4YEdeOE8pc_j8fLDK-ovVxKbkiPVx_anCw/s1600/vennyoueveryoneelse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="283" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2cAbfMm5BJcB2-OpBMsVBuPmYZ-oONYaWzwvAcv4fCRCKgvMSDTS1Bg4EVRcH3GPof08pTmsjnNeAoJJyY3T9PAzAVeCEvozy47ht4YEdeOE8pc_j8fLDK-ovVxKbkiPVx_anCw/s320/vennyoueveryoneelse.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>2) You are not the smartest person in the world. In fact, you are probably not even in the 80th percentile. However, the more you come to grips with this fact, the smarter you will become. A model or method might seem illogical to you, but you should accept the idea that maybe it works for reasons you can’t understand. Because I love making graphs, here is one that represents IQ distribution:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0h3SinpIjA69hG3JvbwTgkNq7tVtpG0eGEJ5UXuLn26MzfkbadtNMNWOlSGEWx4_snT1JEsl8YDEDVIR1P6JIWDSm-9g6ApQD7BRvuvWfayCJRtzDTJqYomdLh8dqwAHpLlzdig/s1600/iqdistribution.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="334" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0h3SinpIjA69hG3JvbwTgkNq7tVtpG0eGEJ5UXuLn26MzfkbadtNMNWOlSGEWx4_snT1JEsl8YDEDVIR1P6JIWDSm-9g6ApQD7BRvuvWfayCJRtzDTJqYomdLh8dqwAHpLlzdig/s640/iqdistribution.jpg" width="640" /></a>3) Question everything, but question it without bias.<br />
4) No one is out to get you, or purposefully trying to piss you off. In a crowd of strangers, no one cares about you enough to try to get under your skin. Sure, some things people do may seem illogical, but no one is doing just to piss you off. <br />
5) You will find that you will be a lot happier if you live by The Golden Rule. I know this seems cliché, but there’s a reason why some things are cliché.<br />
6) When you are caught in a mass of people that needs to be managed, do what you can to help. For instance, on airplanes. Whenever I get the aisle seat, I always unload my rowmates luggage from the overhead compartment while we are waiting to exit. This saves time and minimizes blocking the line to exit. Let me see if I can illustrate this one:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho_wt9PhzsojzJipd9uPUOWeOgzvt2mWB2nFH-2FTKkCGkfKb1txhqDwYcdscpq-xy4e40Hlvl0WYqz9SLp61lBFpq9ER6ZcuAbVp__fPswcy3tiakU3-cxoef1oIB9M_Xq-yiFQ/s1600/planeunloading.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="601" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho_wt9PhzsojzJipd9uPUOWeOgzvt2mWB2nFH-2FTKkCGkfKb1txhqDwYcdscpq-xy4e40Hlvl0WYqz9SLp61lBFpq9ER6ZcuAbVp__fPswcy3tiakU3-cxoef1oIB9M_Xq-yiFQ/s640/planeunloading.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
I believe that if one person starts following these rules, then their effect will spread. One will find that they are happier, smarter, and more connected with the world. As a good friend of mine once said “We are all connected by a web. If one of us pulls just a little, we all move.”<div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-6346697750632767302010-06-25T13:52:00.000-04:002010-06-25T13:52:10.052-04:00Because it had to be done...I have posted a shirt for sale based on yesterday's Flibberty Jibbit Jamboree. Please see the sidebar under the heading "SHIT."<br />
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Yes, I am a sellout. Worship me, capitalist scum!<div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-89945822693946007332010-06-24T09:23:00.003-04:002010-11-16T15:33:12.937-05:00Third Installment of Flibberty Jibbit Jamboree<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdak_KeQZBa-W9vYqOMJGs5kUjO-gzS40yo-TR4R2FGeEUOOz7oJPOIXPkvjpUrBw3JJg5xX9lirZsKP86e3rVy3G3eHaeRsFhTyK3a-nqsGpatSoH9zMaYa8H6DD6_uccCC8txA/s1600/FJJ3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdak_KeQZBa-W9vYqOMJGs5kUjO-gzS40yo-TR4R2FGeEUOOz7oJPOIXPkvjpUrBw3JJg5xX9lirZsKP86e3rVy3G3eHaeRsFhTyK3a-nqsGpatSoH9zMaYa8H6DD6_uccCC8txA/s640/FJJ3.jpg" width="500" /></a><br />
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(Click for big)<div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-67378152561974477712010-06-20T20:36:00.001-04:002010-06-20T20:41:43.677-04:00Ch-Ch-Ch-ChangesSome of you may have noticed a few new things around here. I decided, after four long years, to redesign my blog. By redesign, I mean simplify. I decided to go with one of Blogger's templates so that it would be easier to enable many of Blogger's gadgets. You will now notice a few new features, and some old broken features that are now fixed. I will be adding some small features in the future.<br />
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Here's something you may not have noticed: I started a new blog. It's called <a href="http://econduct.blogspot.com/">Econduct</a>, and it's a blog about going green for those inclined to do so. I will also be starting a similar, but different, green blog in the future.<br />
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Stay tuned for all the marvelous things to come....<div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-59031251807604908062010-06-14T21:35:00.004-04:002010-06-28T13:33:27.651-04:00Some VisitorsThis morning I was visited by two old friends who I hadn't seen in quite some time. I blinked when I first saw them; I thought I was hallucinating. Surely this could not be the two friends be standing before me! What a joyous occasion!<br />
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I've been friends with these two since before I could remember. I used to call them Leftie and Rightie, because they always came in a pair. They had been with me through many trials and tribulations. They have always been quick to make myself and others laugh. They are quite big and hairy, you see, and they use their physical appearance to their comical advantage. They love to dance as they are very active beings, despite their size.<br />
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It was many months ago when I saw them last. This may not seem like a very long time, but this seemed like eons to me. The three of us were inseparable for most of our lives. Their absence was troublesome at best. It was a heavy sadness. I felt like the three of us had been carrying a fifty pound weight, and when they left I was forced to carry the burden myself. Over time I got used to their absence, except in one specific avenue: photographs.<br />
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Before they left, it seemed like we were in every photograph together. Then after they left, I looked very lonely in every photograph, even when I was surrounded by others. Even when I was smiling I looked sad. It was because they weren’t there.<br />
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Then, out of thin air, they appeared just this morning! I woke up and there they were! I almost didn’t recognize them at first being that they had lost a lot of weight. Fortunately, they hadn’t changed much more than that. Also, they promised me that they would return to their original size so that they would make me laugh once more. <br />
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As soon as we kissed our hellos, I took a picture of us back together again. Here it is.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH3NQlSdm8ZayVbhWQAFrccANIUcHZOYcUZ0-Q49EXkZkIKSDhiVA01m8r6rDZmKiTWViTyy8tNtIMhw9fHS3tvLf0_0aNzI5rifGhuVPXNaRdwdBr-rydTtRQMEHYJXsOlAA4rg/s1600/ebs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH3NQlSdm8ZayVbhWQAFrccANIUcHZOYcUZ0-Q49EXkZkIKSDhiVA01m8r6rDZmKiTWViTyy8tNtIMhw9fHS3tvLf0_0aNzI5rifGhuVPXNaRdwdBr-rydTtRQMEHYJXsOlAA4rg/s320/ebs.jpg" /></a></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-53278516690049995422010-05-03T19:57:00.005-04:002010-11-16T15:33:00.155-05:00Second Installment of Flibberty Jibbit Jamboree(Click for big)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPiTyowjFkJihjLkIHwXGwZak9ED1NBvonNhxOpXNFac5szUonYdzkdlcuqvSfeCiSBvVHcAzo8KV9Mw8K6ulechtEpR0CF27Hp1rXiUH_9iPQYPQKSlLqrKRRf2hhiQdDoosDgA/s1600/FJJ2.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5467198673202448370" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPiTyowjFkJihjLkIHwXGwZak9ED1NBvonNhxOpXNFac5szUonYdzkdlcuqvSfeCiSBvVHcAzo8KV9Mw8K6ulechtEpR0CF27Hp1rXiUH_9iPQYPQKSlLqrKRRf2hhiQdDoosDgA/s400/FJJ2.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 124px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a><div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983445.post-84320301299919816762010-04-23T14:57:00.004-04:002010-04-27T23:28:22.282-04:00A Funny Thing Happened TodayI have been craving massive amounts of fruit lately. Many of my friends have been visiting me, and when they ask what they can bring, I say something like "Junk food, pears and strawberries. In fact, nix the junk food. Just bring the pears and strawberries."<br /><br />Yesterday I was watching a Blue Planet marathon on the Discovery Channel, and this advertisement for Edible Arrangements kept popping up. Every commercial break, my couch would become drenched with the drool that was coming from my mouth. I almost went and ordered one for myself.<br /><br />Then, as if by the power of magical thinking (or perhaps telepathy?), one arrives at my doorstep this morning.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinHsS8-kG3fSbZZrgrMn2uUxxnIT9_Ezpd_WbW7ghX-xB8MLifSYi1TgFwEEJBl9HXtCMskEl6uYfQ3tAkSv_4fbCq6lruHSOPteisghh-r0WRfCJGUjVI9sdNruuGan2XSM0vqg/s1600/photo.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinHsS8-kG3fSbZZrgrMn2uUxxnIT9_Ezpd_WbW7ghX-xB8MLifSYi1TgFwEEJBl9HXtCMskEl6uYfQ3tAkSv_4fbCq6lruHSOPteisghh-r0WRfCJGUjVI9sdNruuGan2XSM0vqg/s400/photo.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463410145285140530" /></a><br /><br />Doesn't it look scrumptious?<br /><br />This delectable delight was sent to me by my relatives Tamar and Michael, and I am tremendously thankful for it. Also, it is but one of the many gifts that have been sent to me over the last few weeks. I received everything from crossword puzzles, hilarious books, and dozens of flowers to waterfalls of Starbursts, boxes of mac n cheese, and a giant stuffed dragon. I thank you all for these gifts, and I look forward to paying it through.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Many Manifestos</div>Many Manifestoshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03226087251523620904noreply@blogger.com1