Thursday, May 31, 2007

My extremely intensive and extensive review of Pirates of the Caribbean 3

Orlando Bloom is hotter than Johnny Depp. There, I said it. I feel so much better now.

Grade: F-

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

The Silent but Deadly Epidemic

A few years ago I lived with some friends in a rented townhouse. We ran an independent newspaper together. At least once a week we would get drunk and try to brainstorm ideas for the paper.

On one of these evenings, my roommate Oliver and I decided to make a beer and snacks run at the local 7-11. As per usual, we were goofing off in the store, cracking bad jokes and the like. We started browsing through the snack cake section. I turned towards Oliver to crack a joke about extra-long Ho-Hos, but before I could speak, he let out a gasp and his eyes widened with amazement. I knew he had just seen something astonishing. I looked towards the entrance to see if that was the source of the amazement. Nothing. I looked towards the cashier. Again, nothing. I looked back at Oliver, who was still catatonic with bewilderment. I looked down at the assortment of snack cakes before us.

Prominently displayed next to the powdered sugar donuts was a close-up of an extra-large, gaping, asshole. It looked like it had not been cleansed in the better part of this decade. The asshairs, which were easily visible due to the spread eagle nature of the photograph, were thick and matted. The strawberry-blond color of the asshairs made us very suspicious of the rose-Aryan cashier.

As a poetic cu-de-tat, the rim of the asshole was coated in a white powdery substance, not unlike condensed sugar. I looked from the photo towards the neighboring powdered donuts, and was amazed by the resemblance. My appetite for snack cakes had now dwindled, and I headed towards the Slim Jims.

We made our purchases and exited the store. We walked slowly to the car, pondering what we had just witnessed. Who was this person, and what possessed him (or quite possibly, her) to flaunt their bung in the snack cakes section? Did they wakeup and say “Yep! Today’s the day!”

Oliver insisted that the cashier was the asshole assailant. We turned back to the automatic glass doors. We gave him the stink eye, just as he had allegedly given us moments earlier.

Little did we know that we were at the forefront of an epidemic…

I was surfing some Internet forums the other day, and I stumbled upon this post.

It seems Oliver and I are not the only victims of this hanus act (misspelling intended).

Only one question remains:

Which one of you will be next victim of the bunghole bandit?