Tuesday, September 27, 2011

A Phone Conversation between Two CERN Scientists

Scientist 1 (at CERN): Commencing neutrino beam in three...two...

Scientist 2 (at Gran Sasso): Uh, Sven, do you know how to do a fucking countdown? You obviously already pressed the button too early, you ignoramus.

S1: What? No I didn't! I haven't pressed the button yet!  And don't call me an ignoramus, Antonio.

S2: You sure you haven't pressed the button yet? Look at it to make sure you didn't drop some of your country's tasteless chocolate on it.

S1: Button’s clean, fascist. You sure your greasy, fat ass wasn't too busy eating lasagna when you were supposed to be archiving the results from the previous test? By the way I just pressed the button, Mussolini.

S2: I archived those results last night, you Aryan douchenozzle. Oh, now the neutrinos have stopped.

S1: Ok let's try this shit again, but first let's text each other pictures of our consoles just so we both know they are clean.

S1: Agreed.

S2: Ok sent.

S1: Same.

S2: Received.

S1: Same. Ok let's try this again. Commencing neutrino beam in three...two...

S2: Ok seriously, Sven, your head must have as many holes as your disgusting national cheese. You pressed the button too goddamned early again.

S1: ...one.  Are you fucking with me? I pressed the button right when I said one. Besides, no one can trust a whop's sense of timing.

S2: Suck it, commie. Is there anyone at that broke dick lab that can confirm your countdown?

S1: YES! Clause can. You know how punctual those German assholes are.

S2: Then put that Gestapo on the line.

S3: I confirm that Sven's countdown was accurate.

S2: Really?

S3: Affirmative.

S1: Now can your greasy fingers send me another pic of your console to confirm the results?

S2: Already sent.

S1: And received. Huh.

S2: Yeah I'm stumped too.

S1: Do you think it's possible that...

S2: I know what you're thinking.  Let's not be hasty. Let's run the test one more time.

S1: Agreed. Ok commencing neutrino beam in 3...2...

S2:  Neutrinos received!


S2: Is it possible these neutrinos are coming faster than the speed of light?

S1: Funny, your wife said the same thing about your dick last night.

S2: What?

S1: Nothing. Anyway, these neutrinos just might be traveling faster than the speed of light. That would be amazing!

S2: Yeah, but we should ask some of our buddies to check our results. But man, if this is true, you know what that means?

S1: That time travel is possible. And if time travel is possible we could...

S2: Prevent America from being colonized?

S1: Yes. Fuck Americans.

S2: Yeah seriously, fuck those guys.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Game of Thrones Drinking Game for Drinking Gamers

My boyfriend recently got me into the HBO show Game of Thrones. Whenever my boyfriend and I watch something together, I have a habit of yelling “There they are, I was wondering where they were!” whenever I see boobs on the screen. Sometimes, for brevity, I’ll just shout “TITS!”

I found myself doing this to exhaustion by the fourth episode of GOT. My boyfriend was drinking a beer, so I said “You should drink every time there are boobs on the screen.” This was towards the last few minutes of the episode, so he only took about 10 more sips of his beer.

Earlier last week, we were discussing watching Game of Thrones and the drinking game. I suggested that we add a few more rules to the game. After much bickering, we nailed down the rules.

Rules For Games of Thrones Drinking Game for Drinking Gamers

  1. Drink once for every boob shot.
  2. Drink once for every cock shot.
  3. Drink once if you see blood.
  4. Drink for the duration of any sex scene.
  5. If a main character dies, finish your drink.
  6. If you see 1-5 all in the same scene, shotgun a beer.

The above pic does not count as boob shot....unfortunately.

Sounds pretty simple, but it is effective. I couldn’t drink last night due to illness, so my man was on his own. By the end of the seventh episode, he was drunker than a Irish sailor on New Year’s Eve.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Dear You Giant C-Word

So you back for more, eh? I should have suspected you were stupid enough to come back to get your ass kicked again. You’re like stormtroopers meets the foot. You come in droves, and you keep getting your balls handed to you. Your technique is sloppy and your aim is horrible
Like the stormtroopers, you live in this gargantuan mass that is ominous, but not without penetrable weaknesses. And where do I live? I live in the in the Millennium Falcon and have a timeshare in an X-Wing. With almost no effort I will destroy you, and without the use of a targeting computer

You may think I’m Alderaan. I am Luke Skywalker, Lando Calrissian, and Wedge Antilles combined.  I am a Jedi ninja, I will use the Force up your ass and then take some nun-chucks to your nads.

At times you may have made me feel like Raphael on top of April O’Neil’s apartment. But then I remember all the awesome friends and family members I have, and then I remember that I’m actually Splinter, and I will make 
you die…without honor.

Heather a.k.a The Jedi Ninja

Monday, March 14, 2011

Breast Cancer Slacktivism

Another instance of Facebook slacktivism has been circulating. This one involves another extremely ambiguous meme that has the covert purpose of raising awareness of breast cancer. It involves posting a fruit name in your status that is a code for your relationship status (e.g., Blueberry=single). This is somehow supposed to raise awareness of breast cancer. In my experience, the best way to make people aware of breast cancer is to...make people aware of breast cancer. Giving people codes to decipher means the message is extremely unclear. Also, this meme does not encourage people to donate to any charities. This event is supposed to take place on Sunday. 

I ask you, my Internet friends, to not engage in this. It does not help the cause in any way. Rather, on Sunday, if you really do care about breast cancer awareness and research, post this link on your social networking sites: 

Want to ACTUALLY raise breast cancer awareness? Please donate:

Sorry to be so forward, but as many of you know, this issue is sacred to me. 

Monday, March 07, 2011

Springtime! Blossoming Bosoms Abound!

My final surgery was undertaken on Wednesday. In addition to replacing the expander in my right breast with a permanent silicon implant, the surgeon also had the task of giving me the gift of cleavage.  I never had much had much of a cleft chest with my original set, and the chest expander robbed me of what little I had. Indeed, my breasts looked as if they were parted by Moses.  They didn’t look horrible or anything, they just didn’t look like they got along very well, as if they were opposing magnetic forces.

My new toys are still in their original packaging, but I can already feel that they are becoming very close friends.  This leads me to the ultimate question: what are some practical uses for new cleavage?  I’ve decided to compile this list of 30 uses so that everyone who is endowed with mountainous peaks can put their plunging valleys to good use.

Uses for Cleavage
  1. Cup holder
  2. Key rack
  3. Hidden storage of valuables (money clip, cell phone)
  4. Display case for action figures
  5. Miniature flag holder on the fourth of July
  6. Derringer holster, and along those lines...
  7. Clip holder
  8. Knife holster
  9. Pen cup
  10. MP3 player holder
  11. Sunglasses case
  12. Pez Dispenser
  13. Hiding place for a Horcrux
  14. Ad space
  15. Snak Pak storage
  16. Lipstick applicator
  17. Tissue Box
  18. Martini shaker holder (shaken by dancing to Juvenile)
  19. Beer-Bong Tube stabilizer (while doing a handstand)
  20. Hiding spot for Easter eggs
  21. Mistletoe holder
  22. Jump drive protector
  23. Flower vase
  24. Push Pop purveyor
  25. Beer can crusher
  26. Popsicle holder
  27. Cookie jar
  28. Holder for hands-free tooth brushing
  29. Audio bug for espionage (ala True Lies)
  30. Man attractor

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

45 Priceless Lifehacks

Here is some random bits of advice I’ve collected over the years. Some are philosophical, some are practical, all of them are golden.

  1. Every once in awhile, ignore your instincts, especially if there is a high chance of fun and a low chance of harm.
  2. Once a month, tell someone you love that you love them.
  3. F6 highlights your address bar. Same with ctrl+L.
  4. Study the Constitution. Memorize all the amendments.
  5. For the girls- don't take your purse to the bathroom, everyone knows your on your period and you aren't fooling anyone. If you really want to be sneaky, get those compact tampons and stuff them in your cleavage. If not, woman up, stand proud, wave that tampon in the air and shout “I’m a fertile female and indubitably proud of it!”
  6. Brush your teeth in the shower. It will save time and it will get your teeth cleaner. *EDIT* Brush your teeth while you are rinsing your hair off so as not to waste any water. Click here for more ideas on water conservation.
  7. If your significant other asks you what you are thinking, always say “I’m thinking about how much I love you.” This will improve your relationship immensely. Don’t do this if you want to break up with the person.
  8. When you think others are judging you, it’s only you that’s judging you.
  9. Every once in awhile, just stop giving a shit.
  10. Fear is meant to stop you from dying. Don’t let it stop you from living.
  11. Keep a dream journal. It will help improve your memory.
  12. If you know you have to remember what a person is saying, and you don’t have a way of recording them, ask them to say it three times clearly. Watch their lips move when they say it.
  13. Read a book a month.
  14. Keep your student ID with you forever. Use it everywhere to get discounts.
  15. Instead of buying storage containers, stop throwing out glass products. A jar for pasta sauce is a great way for transporting your lunch.
  16. Take care of your feet. Always wear shoes that are at least semi-comfortable and good socks.
  17. Don’t watch reality TV, unless it’s a documentary. Watch one documentary a month.
  18. Do or make something you are proud of everyday.
  19. Learn to drive stick.
  20. Learn the following bits of car maintenance:
    1. Oil Change
    2. Flat Tire Change
    3. Battery Jump
  21. Always carry a pen.
  22. Learn to play an instrument.
  23. If you are in trouble, don’t yell for help, yell “fire”.
  24. “Walk it off” will not work for most types of physical pain, but it may help with emotional pain.
  25. Once a season, take yourself out on a date. Give yourself a spa day, treat yourself to a nice meal. Write a love letter to yourself.
  26. F2 renames files.
  27. Use toothpaste on bug bites and zits.
  28. If you are making pasta and the water starts to boil over, add a splash of olive oil.
  29. Don’t play charades against deaf people.
  30. Don’t care about people’s beliefs. Care about their actions.
  31. Financial Aid doesn’t charge interest if you pay it off within sixth months after graduation. If you don’t need the money, take out a Financial Aid loan and put it in a 4-year CD. Keep the interest. It’s free money! (I’m not totally sure if this is legal.)
  32. Always return a car with a full tank of gas.
  33. In general, don’t unpack your suitcase if you don’t have to. You are more likely to lose stuff if you do unpack.
  34. Stand on the right, walk on the left.
  35. Be nice to the new kid.
  36. Accept the fact that you don’t know anything. Read Socrates.
  37. Learn basic home repair.
  38. Don’t overreact, don’t underreact. Just react.
  39. Success is 49% talent and 51% persistence. Never give up.
  40. Moisturize.
  41. No one ever got better by winning. Be a gracious loser.
  42. To open stubborn jars, tap the side of the lid on the counter first, then open.
  43. Clicking links with the Middle-Mouse (scroll wheel) will open them in a new tab.
  44. The Golden Rule applies to romantic relationships as well.
  45. Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line.