Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Well Fuck

Most of you who read this blog already know what I am about to say. For those of you who don't, I'm very sorry, but my life has just been way too chaotic right now to call everyone individually. Plus my phone is acting stupid.

I have been diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma, the most common form of breast cancer. It is unusual for someone my age to have this, but my oncologist is very optimistic. It is at stage three, so the cancer has not spread.

Here are a few things you need to know if I have regular real life contact with you:

1) Please don't call me just yet. My phone is ringing off the hook from doctors at the moment. Don’t worry, I am smothered with love at the moment. You can leave comments here.
2) I will be undergoing chemo very soon. This means I will be wearing a wide variety of interesting hats and wigs.
3) If you are sick, you can’t come near me. My white blood cell count will be very low and I will be susceptible to infection.
4) Go to your doctor if you are sick. Like, now. In fact, if you are related to me, please just go and explain my situation to them.
4) Dolphins have prehensile penises.
5) Are you crying? Well then you are a pussy. That’s ok, I’ve had my pussified moments in the past.
6) I’m very upbeat and positive right now. I’m going to kick this fucking cancer’s ass.
7) Some of my family members do not know yet. They don’t read this blog or facebook. I plan on telling the rest by Sunday. Please keep mum to ALL of my family them until then.
I love you all. Take care of yourselves. And when I’m done with this shit, you should all come to Italy with me.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Quotes from the Journey

I haven’t written in awhile, but that’s because I’ve been traveling quite a bit. I’ve been to Delaware, West Virginia, San Francisco and Alaska. I could write books on my journey to Alaska, but I figured the story could be best summed up in the quotes that were said or heard throughout the journey.

Here’s one that my friend Gina, my travel mate, overheard:

Elderly Woman with Thick Midwestern Accent: I heard there is a 24-hour boooooofay.
Elderly Man with Thicker Midwestern Accent: I need to go back to der room.
EWWTMA: Why?
EMWTMA: I forgot mah teef.
EWWTMA: Oh Cecil!

Here’s one exchange between Gina and Me:

Me: What time is it?
(Gina hits her chest repeatedly looking for her cell phone)
Me: Is it retard time?

A few others that are totally clear and do not need any context:

“I need to quote that quote in my quotebook.”
“Check out that DILF!”
“I know how to turn things on.”
“I don’t want to shake your penis.”

Some funny mispronunciations:

“Cleeeeeeeeeemate”
“Ackckckkohol” (said after having a lot of it)

And the coup d'├ętat:

John: You’re wrong!
Gina: You’re gay!
John: I’m married!
Gina: You’re still wrong, dumbshit!
John: Booyah!