Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Coming Back From the Veg

Bacony Love
I was a vegetarian for many years up until four months ago. I was only a vegetarian for environmental reasons, and I always said that if a doctor told me to eat meat again, I would.  Well, four months ago my doctor said she was worried about my protein intake and iron levels, especially since it looked like I was becoming lactose intolerant. 

She uttered the phrase: "I think you should reintroduce meat into your diet."

I sprinted out of the doctor's and ran towards the nearest cheeseburger. Just before I reached the nearest meat mecca, a sobering thought hit me: I probably had lost the ability to digest beef.  This is a common ailment amoung former-herbivores. Usually their first beef experience is met with violent diarrhea. I don't like violent diarrhea, especially since I already have digestive issues. But then I realized that I could still eat the holy grail of meat: PORK. More specifically: bacon.

There is only one word to describe my return to carnivorism:


Well, not really carnivorism. I still love my vegetables, dairy, fruits and grains and try to keep them as my main food source. But no matter who you are, or what your background is, everyone once in awhile craves a big, juicy, meaty savory cheeseburger made from real meat, not mock meat. If you think mock meat fulfills this purpose, you are on hallucinatory drugs.

I feel a bit hypocritical saying that, because I didn't enjoy my first post-vegetarianism burger until just a few days ago.  The problem was that although I could immediately eat pork, seafood, and poultry, my stomach lacked the flora to properly digest beef. In fact, due to many of the medications I'm on, I still cannot enjoy beef.  

However, in "my journey back" I have discovered a legitimate alternative to beef: bison. I figured my doctor would love it since it is leaner and higher in iron than beef. So I gave it a try.

We first made chili, and then made bison stew. All was delicious. The problem was that it's hard to really appreciate the pure flavor and specialized texture of meat unless you enjoy it in a bare form.

So last week I finally got to enjoy the dish that I've been missing for so many years. I finally had a bison burger.  In fact, I had a bison bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, mayo and ketchup.

This was two weeks ago.  I'm still having mouthgasms.

I couldn't wait to try my next dish: bison meatloaf. On Sunday, my lovely boyfriend cooked me a glistening loaf of buffalo meat. He used Alton Brown's recipe for regular meatloaf, and this man's recipes usually do not fail. This was no exception. The flavor was just like I remember: comforting and satisfying. The only problem was that due to the leanness of the meat, the loaf slices tended to crumble. Next time we make this, we might introduce more fat or eggs to help with cohesion.  But the meat crumbles are still delightful.

Now, I'm not saying vegetarianism is an illogical diet. It works for some, but not others, depending on lifestyle, health, beliefs, etcetera. But I think there's very few, if any, people who really don't like the taste of meat. We are omnivores, which means we can sometimes crave bacon, or apples, or rice, or whatever just tickles your goddamned fancy, including bacon-covered-rice-stuffed-apples.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

40 (Seemingly) Minor Offenses that Deserve Death by Firing Squad

  1. Standing in doorways
  2. Talking loudly on your phone for no reason
  3. Groups walking in line down a street very slowly
  4. Not letting people merge
  5. Wearing Crocs in public
  6. Watching nothing but reality shows
  7. Smoking in crowded areas
  8. Discarding cigarette butts outside of an ashtray
  9. Listening to music too loudly on headphones
  10. Not only talking in theaters, but asking questions in a that no one nearby could have the answer to, i.e. "What happens next?"
  11. Getting offended at offhand cussing when there are only adults present
  12. Telling a woman that her behavior isn't "ladylike"
  13. Telling a total stranger to smile
  14. Littering
  15. Cutting in line
  16. Waiting until you get to the front of the line to decide on your food or drink order
  17. Listening to music on headphones while socializing
  18. Posting NSFW links without an NSFW tag
  19. Telling boring stories with no care for your audience
  20. Refusing to try new food
  21. Interrupting, especially interrupting the punchline to a long joke
  22. Bonus bullets if the above offender is a waiter/waitress
  23. Rehosting images without giving author credit 
  24. Using the word like for like every other like word. Do you people not hear yourselves?
  25. Using the word "irregardless" 
  26. Using the phrase "I could care less"
  27. Reckless malapropism. Look it up.
  28. Indiscriminant contrarianism. "I don't like X because you like X." "But X is food." "Yeah never been a big fan."
  29. Not giving polite acknowledgment when someone is holding the door open for you
  30. Treating wait staff poorly
  31. Being more than 20 minutes late to meet up with someone (assuming everything was in the offender's control)
  32. Oversharing
  33. Not caring about politics
  34. Thinking reading is "for dorks"
  35. Leaving passive aggressive or vague Facebook status updates
  36. Leaving too many Facebook status updates
  37. Telling people to not fidget. Screw you! Don't tell me what to do with my body.
  38. Talking way too much about how you love coffee
  39. Saying whatever you want but getting easily offended when others' speak their mind
  40. Thinking minor offenses should be punishable by death

Monday, June 25, 2012

My extremely intensive and extensive review of Prometheus

Ridley Scott, did you even read the fucking script?

Grade: C-- (Only because it was pretty)

Thursday, March 22, 2012

When to Defend Shitty Writing (and When Not To)

Let me first state that I am not a gamer. At least, not in the purist sense of the word. I have played a few notable games, beaten a good portion of them, but this is a recent evolution.  In short, I am very much a fan of the medium, but not a connoisseur. I appreciate the way that it has evolved. Where once they were arguably mindless distractions, they have become artistic epics.  They are now a new medium of story telling.  This means they are a new medium for writers. I, as a writer, appreciate how many recent video games have come out with well-thought-out story lines. 

A recent event in the gaming world has highlighted this evolution, but not in a way that one would expect...or hope. This event has pointed out the one fact all creatives know, but often forget: writing matters.

The event in question was the absolutely horrid conclusion to the Mass Effect trilogy. So as to avoid spoilers or give away my complete geekazoid tendencies, I'll explain this video game series as simply as possible. In this video game, your character (Commander Shepard) is trying to save the universe from killer robots. The game play allows the user to make choices, like a “Choose Your Own Adventure” novel, and therefore suffer the consequences of those choices. Because there is so much content in this game, the characters, relationships, events, and plot lines are meticulously and artfully constructed.  Well, for the most part. 

The ending to this trilogy completely ignored the choices, events, relationships, and plot lines that had been forged.  Therefore, it ignored the entire spirit of the game and shoddily threw together a rushed ending that had more plot holes than Arlington National Cemetery.

This has made the Internet very, very angry.

So much so that there is even a massive online campaign that is demanding the game's creator, Bioware, to come out with an alternate ending (or endings). Naturally this has also launched a counter, albeit much smaller, protest in favor of "keeping the artwork as the artist intended it."

Here's the problem with the art as the artist intended argument: artist are human beings  capable of making mistakes. Artists can forget major facts in realities they created, or just disregard them in favor of saving themselves some hassle. In order for a storyline to be coherent, you have to operate in the reality you created. You can't deviate radically from your own story just to surprise the audience. In other words, you can't bullshit an ending. Let me show you how operating in the reality of a story matters even in a very, very short story:

A sweet, innocent little girl was sucking on a lollipop while picking flowers in a field of poppies. She then raped the planet with her penis that ejaculated atomic bombs.

Now, aside from certain subsets of hentai cultures, I, the artist, should not expect the many people to buy this story. Just because I say it is a complete story doesn't mean it is. The first part of this story has nothing to do with the last part. A sweet, innocent little girl wouldn't rape the earth with her penis. Her character description and her anatomy prevent that from happening. These two sentences are just an offensive joke meant to get a reaction, not to complete a story. Writers are not gods: they are fallible beings. That's why we have things called editors.

Now, am I going to change my little short story so that it makes more sense? No. Why? Because the purpose of the story was to prove a point (and to maybe make myself laugh). It was never my intention to publish it for the masses and expect them to have some emotional investment in it. Unless you are writing a personal journal entry, you have to keep your audience in mind.

Oh what the hell. I'll change it to make more sense.

A sweet, innocent, little girl was sucking on a lollipop while picking flowers in a field of poppies. Then, lightning struck a part of the field and the field caught on fire. As she started to inhale the poppy fumes and the world around her began to bend like a kaleidoscope. In her mind, she then raped the planet with her penis that ejaculated atomic bombs, but in reality she was just sticking her lollipop into a rabbit's ass.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

New American Fare

The other day I went to a new restaurant called Apetitegeist. They had a chef that received a lot of hype when they first hired him, which was a few years ago. I hadn't had the chance to go until recently. Here's how the experience went.

Host: Welcome to Apetitegeist, where you are feisty for a feast! Let me sit you down at our finest table! Here is today's menu!

I look at the menu and see only two options, a plate of buttered noodles or a bowl of diarrhea.

Host: Oh I forgot to mention that we are not serving butter noodles today.

Me: Are you out of it?

Host: No, we just decided to take it off our menu.

Me: Why?

Host: Well we used to serve it , but the wait staff said they didn't like serving the dish, so we took it off our menu. 

Me: So the chef decided to stop making it as well?

Host: Oh no, the chef wanted to make a very flavorful pasta, with all sorts of herbs and spices, but the wait staff didn't think the customers would want it. So they only served buttered noodles. But then the customers began to complain that they wanted something other than buttered noodles.

Me: So why not serve the chef's original dish?

Host: Well, again, the wait staff didn't like serving that dish.

Me: But does that matter? Shouldn't the customers have some input?

Host: No. You see, when you come here, you get to choose what waiter you want, and they choose your dish. So really you already have made your choice. I was just about to offer your choice of waiter.

Me:  Can I choose a brand new waiter, maybe one from outside?

Host: No, but you will be able to help us choose a new chef in about a year.

Me: But the chef isn't the problem! The wait staff are the ones making these ridiculous menu decisions. By the way, whose decision was it to add a bowl of diarrhea to the menu?

Host: That was the wait staff's decision. They determined that the customers wouldn't want to pay very much for food, so we offered the cheapest possible option. Basically, the head waiter eats pasta, takes a laxative, and then shits into many bowls. You see how fantastically cheap that is? One plate of pasta produces several bowls of diarrhea. Can't you see the genius in that?

Me:  Why is the head waiter eating the pasta? You said they didn't like it.

Host: Oh, I didn't say they didn't like it. I just said they wouldn't serve it. Besides, customers want a cheaper dish. Hence the diarrhea.

Me: But no one wants to pay to eat diarrhea.

Host: Well then they can blame the chef for not trying to make better dishes.

Me: But he has! Are you all insane? Do you guys ever plan on hiring a new wait staff?

Host: No, again the wait staff isn't the problem. The chef is. He is not making the dishes the wait staff wants to serve.

Me: Who gives a shit what they want to serve? Don't you realize the money isn't coming from the wait staff, it's from the customers? They should decide whether or not they like the chef's food, not the dish jockeys who basically do what a conveyor belt can do!

Host: You're not understanding. The chef is making the bad dishes.

Me: No, he's not! You're taking his dishes and making them bad!

Host: You must have been listening to the hosts at that other restaurant. Don't listen to them, they are brain washing you. Now, why don't you have a nice hot bowl of diarrhea?

Me: This is insanity incarnate. How is this restaurant so full?

Host: Well, we tell the public that we are the best restaurant in the city. No one questions it, or our methods. NOR SHOULD THEY.

I put down the menu and put on my coat.

Me: I'm sorry but I just can't stomach this. I'm going to the restaurant just north of here. I seriously hope you and the wait staff seek professional help and maybe start listening to your customer's wants and needs rather than just blindly making decisions for them. Good day to you, sir.

As I am leaving, I hear the host whisper to the head waiter.

Host: You see that? Another customer dissatisfied with the chef's menu.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

A Phone Conversation between Two CERN Scientists

Scientist 1 (at CERN): Commencing neutrino beam in three...two...

Scientist 2 (at Gran Sasso): Uh, Sven, do you know how to do a fucking countdown? You obviously already pressed the button too early, you ignoramus.

S1: What? No I didn't! I haven't pressed the button yet!  And don't call me an ignoramus, Antonio.

S2: You sure you haven't pressed the button yet? Look at it to make sure you didn't drop some of your country's tasteless chocolate on it.

S1: Button’s clean, fascist. You sure your greasy, fat ass wasn't too busy eating lasagna when you were supposed to be archiving the results from the previous test? By the way I just pressed the button, Mussolini.

S2: I archived those results last night, you Aryan douchenozzle. Oh, now the neutrinos have stopped.

S1: Ok let's try this shit again, but first let's text each other pictures of our consoles just so we both know they are clean.

S1: Agreed.

S2: Ok sent.

S1: Same.

S2: Received.

S1: Same. Ok let's try this again. Commencing neutrino beam in three...two...

S2: Ok seriously, Sven, your head must have as many holes as your disgusting national cheese. You pressed the button too goddamned early again.

S1:  Are you fucking with me? I pressed the button right when I said one. Besides, no one can trust a whop's sense of timing.

S2: Suck it, commie. Is there anyone at that broke dick lab that can confirm your countdown?

S1: YES! Clause can. You know how punctual those German assholes are.

S2: Then put that Gestapo on the line.

S3: I confirm that Sven's countdown was accurate.

S2: Really?

S3: Affirmative.

S1: Now can your greasy fingers send me another pic of your console to confirm the results?

S2: Already sent.

S1: And received. Huh.

S2: Yeah I'm stumped too.

S1: Do you think it's possible that...

S2: I know what you're thinking.  Let's not be hasty. Let's run the test one more time.

S1: Agreed. Ok commencing neutrino beam in 3...2...

S2:  Neutrinos received!


S2: Is it possible these neutrinos are coming faster than the speed of light?

S1: Funny, your wife said the same thing about your dick last night.

S2: What?

S1: Nothing. Anyway, these neutrinos just might be traveling faster than the speed of light. That would be amazing!

S2: Yeah, but we should ask some of our buddies to check our results. But man, if this is true, you know what that means?

S1: That time travel is possible. And if time travel is possible we could...

S2: Prevent America from being colonized?

S1: Yes. Fuck Americans.

S2: Yeah seriously, fuck those guys.