Monday, March 07, 2011

Springtime! Blossoming Bosoms Abound!

My final surgery was undertaken on Wednesday. In addition to replacing the expander in my right breast with a permanent silicon implant, the surgeon also had the task of giving me the gift of cleavage.  I never had much had much of a cleft chest with my original set, and the chest expander robbed me of what little I had. Indeed, my breasts looked as if they were parted by Moses.  They didn’t look horrible or anything, they just didn’t look like they got along very well, as if they were opposing magnetic forces.

My new toys are still in their original packaging, but I can already feel that they are becoming very close friends.  This leads me to the ultimate question: what are some practical uses for new cleavage?  I’ve decided to compile this list of 30 uses so that everyone who is endowed with mountainous peaks can put their plunging valleys to good use.

Uses for Cleavage
  1. Cup holder
  2. Key rack
  3. Hidden storage of valuables (money clip, cell phone)
  4. Display case for action figures
  5. Miniature flag holder on the fourth of July
  6. Derringer holster, and along those lines...
  7. Clip holder
  8. Knife holster
  9. Pen cup
  10. MP3 player holder
  11. Sunglasses case
  12. Pez Dispenser
  13. Hiding place for a Horcrux
  14. Ad space
  15. Snak Pak storage
  16. Lipstick applicator
  17. Tissue Box
  18. Martini shaker holder (shaken by dancing to Juvenile)
  19. Beer-Bong Tube stabilizer (while doing a handstand)
  20. Hiding spot for Easter eggs
  21. Mistletoe holder
  22. Jump drive protector
  23. Flower vase
  24. Push Pop purveyor
  25. Beer can crusher
  26. Popsicle holder
  27. Cookie jar
  28. Holder for hands-free tooth brushing
  29. Audio bug for espionage (ala True Lies)
  30. Man attractor


Brett said...

You missed one. ;)

Many Manifestos said...


sandra said...

Your order is upside down.........start with #30!!!