Memories

I've decided to post some of the articles that I wrote as Humor Editor for Expulsion, GMU's only independent newspaper, for two reasons: 1) I don't have time to write a full entry, and 2) the Expulsion website will probably close down, so I want to post them here so I have access to them.

So the next couple entries will probably just be my Expulsion greatest hits.

This article was published in October 2005, in a special bizarro world edition of Expulsion:

Bruce Campbell Wins His 12th Academy Award


This year’s Academy Awards had moments of grandeur, surprise and awe. The red carpet was a sea of glitter, glam and breathtaking beauty. However, none of us were stunned when Bruce Campbell walked away with three academy awards, making a grand total of twelve Oscars within the past ten years. With grace and charm that can rival no other, Campbell was able to thank all 43 members of his family, 37 of his closest friends, and give three shout outs to Buddha, Jesus, and some guy named Bob in all three of his acceptance speeches.

Bruce Campbell’s career started with a major bang when he starred in the international blockbusters Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, and Army of Darkness. His role as Ash in all three of these movies earned him three separate best actor nominations and two wins. Several Hollywood elitists agree that Campbell was robbed of the Oscar for Army of Darkness, and most say it was because the movie hinted at some sort of massive monarchial conspiracy to end capitalism.

Campbell went on to conquer Hollywood for the next eight years, snagging at least one Oscar every year. After the Evil Dead films, his next project entitled “Zombies Ate My Brain” snagged him another leading role Oscar. The year following he nabbed another leading role Oscar for his portrayal of Harvey P. Knockers in the internationally acclaimed epic “When Harvey met Some Zombies.”

With all this Oscar action, Campbell still has not met the record for most Academy Awards won by one person, a record which is still held by the late Walt Disney at 487. However, Campbell broke the record this year for most Best Actor Oscars received by a single man. During the 78th Academy Awards, Campbell nabbed two Oscars for starring and directing his tour-de-force “Leaves of Grass: A Zombie Killer’s Tale.” Additionally, he also nabbed a best actor award for his portrayal of Johnny, the deaf, blind and mildly autistic hero in “Zombies Attack Johnny: the Deaf, Blind and Mildly Autistic Hero.”

“This is so unexpected,” said Campbell as he accepted his last award of the evening. “I only prepared two speeches. Well I guess I will have to thank Sam Raimi’s money, Sam Raimi’s popularity, and last, but not least, God.”