Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Deeply Philosophical Rant

As of late (and by late, I mean the past couple of years) I’ve had a bit of a problem meeting eligible members of the opposite sex. I’d like to attribute some of my problem to my shyness around non-personable people, which happens to be the majority of the male population. However, I do not think my shyness is the real root cause of my singleness. I have a theory about my problem, which can only be accurately described using pictures. Note: I was drinking scotch when I was drawing these, so you may see a decrease in quality throughout this entry.


This is me:









IQ: 130+
Occupation: Graphics/Editorial Associate
Age: Mid-to-late 20s

This is the type of man that would normally hit on me:







IQ: 79
Occupation: N/A
Age: 50s

I believe the reason why so many men of this type hit on me is because of American and Spanish sitcoms. Many of these shit shows feature a ridiculous fat ass married to a Maxim cover model. For example:















The hambeast has watched so many of the shitcoms that he thinks he deserves a woman that is way further up the food chain. Also, his real fantasy woman:




Doesn’t exist.



Now let’s take a look at the type of man I am attracted to:







IQ: 115+
Occupation: Anything legal that allows him to live outside his parents' house

Age: Early 20s to Early 30s

Unfortunately, this type of man is usually attracted to the following types of people:








Stick thin super models,













Body builders, or








Unlike most women, I am not willing to settle for fat, unemployed bastards. So if I don’t end up with someone like



or better, I’ll probably end up spending my life with

(this table with a head attached to it is supposed to be my cat).

4 comments:

Cassa said...

Oh my gosh Heather. This is hysterical. You will meet equals, though, & have great relationships (that's my guess & I've got a lot of experience to back that up). Hang in there & have fun now (of course I know you do)!

Anonymous said...

I love you. Too bad we don't like to fuck women.

Many Manifestos said...

Who in the hell are you?

gina said...

I think the fact that Katie Lee is divorcing Billy Joel's 60 yr ol tubby ass will somewhat helps with the 80 yr old fat men hitting on us. I hope. I pray. I sacrifice to buddah. and sometimes...sometimes I wish upon a star