Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Well Fuck

Most of you who read this blog already know what I am about to say. For those of you who don't, I'm very sorry, but my life has just been way too chaotic right now to call everyone individually. Plus my phone is acting stupid.

I have been diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma, the most common form of breast cancer. It is unusual for someone my age to have this, but my oncologist is very optimistic. It is at stage three, so the cancer has not spread.

Here are a few things you need to know if I have regular real life contact with you:

1) Please don't call me just yet. My phone is ringing off the hook from doctors at the moment. Don’t worry, I am smothered with love at the moment. You can leave comments here.
2) I will be undergoing chemo very soon. This means I will be wearing a wide variety of interesting hats and wigs.
3) If you are sick, you can’t come near me. My white blood cell count will be very low and I will be susceptible to infection.
4) Go to your doctor if you are sick. Like, now. In fact, if you are related to me, please just go and explain my situation to them.
4) Dolphins have prehensile penises.
5) Are you crying? Well then you are a pussy. That’s ok, I’ve had my pussified moments in the past.
6) I’m very upbeat and positive right now. I’m going to kick this fucking cancer’s ass.
7) Some of my family members do not know yet. They don’t read this blog or facebook. I plan on telling the rest by Sunday. Please keep mum to ALL of my family them until then.
I love you all. Take care of yourselves. And when I’m done with this shit, you should all come to Italy with me.


Anonymous said...

Italy sounds good. Are the dolphins invited too?


papertiger said...


I had no idea. I am so sorry. Sending you thought and prayers and lots of love.

Let us know if you need us to drop anything off - food, medicine, bad movies w/Tom Cruise in them...

We love you!

Steve & Amy

Holly said...

You're amazing! Give that cancer a one-two punch from me. And a kick in the balls.


Anonymous said...

Dear Face,

This cancer is merely a bug on the windshield of your life. With your awesomeness and kickass-edness, you will wipe it away quickly and get back to seeing clearly.

P.S. You are my favorite cousin... don't tell the others.

Anonymous said...

Heather --
I'm sure you'll kick this thing in its butt, then stomp on its groin. Then, you'll put a cigarette out on its taint.


P.S. Oliver, I see you're still using my nickname for you, only you've Victorian English-ized it. Good work.

Anonymous said...

Good luck, Heather. I've missed you.

Anonymous said...

Count me in for Italy!


Anonymous said...

P.S. I love you!


sheribomb said...

I think I can pencil Italy into my jetsetting calendar when this is all over. You're gonna roundhouse kick this in the face.