Wednesday, January 11, 2012

New American Fare

The other day I went to a new restaurant called Apetitegeist. They had a chef that received a lot of hype when they first hired him, which was a few years ago. I hadn't had the chance to go until recently. Here's how the experience went.

Host: Welcome to Apetitegeist, where you are feisty for a feast! Let me sit you down at our finest table! Here is today's menu!

I look at the menu and see only two options, a plate of buttered noodles or a bowl of diarrhea.

Host: Oh I forgot to mention that we are not serving butter noodles today.

Me: Are you out of it?

Host: No, we just decided to take it off our menu.

Me: Why?

Host: Well we used to serve it , but the wait staff said they didn't like serving the dish, so we took it off our menu. 

Me: So the chef decided to stop making it as well?

Host: Oh no, the chef wanted to make a very flavorful pasta, with all sorts of herbs and spices, but the wait staff didn't think the customers would want it. So they only served buttered noodles. But then the customers began to complain that they wanted something other than buttered noodles.

Me: So why not serve the chef's original dish?

Host: Well, again, the wait staff didn't like serving that dish.

Me: But does that matter? Shouldn't the customers have some input?

Host: No. You see, when you come here, you get to choose what waiter you want, and they choose your dish. So really you already have made your choice. I was just about to offer your choice of waiter.

Me:  Can I choose a brand new waiter, maybe one from outside?

Host: No, but you will be able to help us choose a new chef in about a year.

Me: But the chef isn't the problem! The wait staff are the ones making these ridiculous menu decisions. By the way, whose decision was it to add a bowl of diarrhea to the menu?

Host: That was the wait staff's decision. They determined that the customers wouldn't want to pay very much for food, so we offered the cheapest possible option. Basically, the head waiter eats pasta, takes a laxative, and then shits into many bowls. You see how fantastically cheap that is? One plate of pasta produces several bowls of diarrhea. Can't you see the genius in that?

Me:  Why is the head waiter eating the pasta? You said they didn't like it.

Host: Oh, I didn't say they didn't like it. I just said they wouldn't serve it. Besides, customers want a cheaper dish. Hence the diarrhea.

Me: But no one wants to pay to eat diarrhea.

Host: Well then they can blame the chef for not trying to make better dishes.

Me: But he has! Are you all insane? Do you guys ever plan on hiring a new wait staff?

Host: No, again the wait staff isn't the problem. The chef is. He is not making the dishes the wait staff wants to serve.

Me: Who gives a shit what they want to serve? Don't you realize the money isn't coming from the wait staff, it's from the customers? They should decide whether or not they like the chef's food, not the dish jockeys who basically do what a conveyor belt can do!

Host: You're not understanding. The chef is making the bad dishes.

Me: No, he's not! You're taking his dishes and making them bad!

Host: You must have been listening to the hosts at that other restaurant. Don't listen to them, they are brain washing you. Now, why don't you have a nice hot bowl of diarrhea?

Me: This is insanity incarnate. How is this restaurant so full?

Host: Well, we tell the public that we are the best restaurant in the city. No one questions it, or our methods. NOR SHOULD THEY.

I put down the menu and put on my coat.

Me: I'm sorry but I just can't stomach this. I'm going to the restaurant just north of here. I seriously hope you and the wait staff seek professional help and maybe start listening to your customer's wants and needs rather than just blindly making decisions for them. Good day to you, sir.

As I am leaving, I hear the host whisper to the head waiter.

Host: You see that? Another customer dissatisfied with the chef's menu.

1 comment:

KVK said...

Are you a writer for Curb Your Enthusiasm? You better copyright that scene before it appears in the next episode.

P.S. The in-depth description of meal option #2 made my stomach queasy. And since I was laughing at the time it was quite a bizarre sensation.