Fuck SOPA

http://www.fucksopa.com/

New American Fare

The other day I went to a new restaurant called Apetitegeist. They had a chef that received a lot of hype when they first hired him, which was a few years ago. I hadn't had the chance to go until recently. Here's how the experience went.

Host: Welcome to Apetitegeist, where you are feisty for a feast! Let me sit you down at our finest table! Here is today's menu!

I look at the menu and see only two options, a plate of buttered noodles or a bowl of diarrhea.

Host: Oh I forgot to mention that we are not serving butter noodles today.

Me: Are you out of it?

Host: No, we just decided to take it off our menu.

Me: Why?

Host: Well we used to serve it , but the wait staff said they didn't like serving the dish, so we took it off our menu. 

Me: So the chef decided to stop making it as well?

Host: Oh no, the chef wanted to make a very flavorful pasta, with all sorts of herbs and spices, but the wait staff didn't think the customers would want it. So they only served buttered noodles. But then the customers began to complain that they wanted something other than buttered noodles.

Me: So why not serve the chef's original dish?

Host: Well, again, the wait staff didn't like serving that dish.

Me: But does that matter? Shouldn't the customers have some input?

Host: No. You see, when you come here, you get to choose what waiter you want, and they choose your dish. So really you already have made your choice. I was just about to offer your choice of waiter.

Me:  Can I choose a brand new waiter, maybe one from outside?

Host: No, but you will be able to help us choose a new chef in about a year.

Me: But the chef isn't the problem! The wait staff are the ones making these ridiculous menu decisions. By the way, whose decision was it to add a bowl of diarrhea to the menu?

Host: That was the wait staff's decision. They determined that the customers wouldn't want to pay very much for food, so we offered the cheapest possible option. Basically, the head waiter eats pasta, takes a laxative, and then shits into many bowls. You see how fantastically cheap that is? One plate of pasta produces several bowls of diarrhea. Can't you see the genius in that?

Me:  Why is the head waiter eating the pasta? You said they didn't like it.

Host: Oh, I didn't say they didn't like it. I just said they wouldn't serve it. Besides, customers want a cheaper dish. Hence the diarrhea.

Me: But no one wants to pay to eat diarrhea.

Host: Well then they can blame the chef for not trying to make better dishes.

Me: But he has! Are you all insane? Do you guys ever plan on hiring a new wait staff?

Host: No, again the wait staff isn't the problem. The chef is. He is not making the dishes the wait staff wants to serve.

Me: Who gives a shit what they want to serve? Don't you realize the money isn't coming from the wait staff, it's from the customers? They should decide whether or not they like the chef's food, not the dish jockeys who basically do what a conveyor belt can do!

Host: You're not understanding. The chef is making the bad dishes.

Me: No, he's not! You're taking his dishes and making them bad!

Host: You must have been listening to the hosts at that other restaurant. Don't listen to them, they are brain washing you. Now, why don't you have a nice hot bowl of diarrhea?

Me: This is insanity incarnate. How is this restaurant so full?

Host: Well, we tell the public that we are the best restaurant in the city. No one questions it, or our methods. NOR SHOULD THEY.

I put down the menu and put on my coat.

Me: I'm sorry but I just can't stomach this. I'm going to the restaurant just north of here. I seriously hope you and the wait staff seek professional help and maybe start listening to your customer's wants and needs rather than just blindly making decisions for them. Good day to you, sir.

As I am leaving, I hear the host whisper to the head waiter.

Host: You see that? Another customer dissatisfied with the chef's menu.

A Phone Conversation between Two CERN Scientists

Scientist 1 (at CERN): Commencing neutrino beam in three...two...

Scientist 2 (at Gran Sasso): Uh, Sven, do you know how to do a fucking countdown? You obviously already pressed the button too early, you ignoramus.

S1: What? No I didn't! I haven't pressed the button yet!  And don't call me an ignoramus, Antonio.

S2: You sure you haven't pressed the button yet? Look at it to make sure you didn't drop some of your country's tasteless chocolate on it.

S1: Button’s clean, fascist. You sure your greasy, fat ass wasn't too busy eating lasagna when you were supposed to be archiving the results from the previous test? By the way I just pressed the button, Mussolini.

S2: I archived those results last night, you Aryan douchenozzle. Oh, now the neutrinos have stopped.

S1: Ok let's try this shit again, but first let's text each other pictures of our consoles just so we both know they are clean.

S1: Agreed.

S2: Ok sent.

S1: Same.

S2: Received.

S1: Same. Ok let's try this again. Commencing neutrino beam in three...two...

S2: Ok seriously, Sven, your head must have as many holes as your disgusting national cheese. You pressed the button too goddamned early again.

S1: ...one.  Are you fucking with me? I pressed the button right when I said one. Besides, no one can trust a whop's sense of timing.

S2: Suck it, commie. Is there anyone at that broke dick lab that can confirm your countdown?

S1: YES! Clause can. You know how punctual those German assholes are.

S2: Then put that Gestapo on the line.

S3: I confirm that Sven's countdown was accurate.

S2: Really?

S3: Affirmative.

S1: Now can your greasy fingers send me another pic of your console to confirm the results?

S2: Already sent.

S1: And received. Huh.

S2: Yeah I'm stumped too.

S1: Do you think it's possible that...

S2: I know what you're thinking.  Let's not be hasty. Let's run the test one more time.

S1: Agreed. Ok commencing neutrino beam in 3...2...

S2:  Neutrinos received!

S1: ...ONE. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

S2: Is it possible these neutrinos are coming faster than the speed of light?

S1: Funny, your wife said the same thing about your dick last night.

S2: What?

S1: Nothing. Anyway, these neutrinos just might be traveling faster than the speed of light. That would be amazing!

S2: Yeah, but we should ask some of our buddies to check our results. But man, if this is true, you know what that means?

S1: That time travel is possible. And if time travel is possible we could...

S2: Prevent America from being colonized?

S1: Yes. Fuck Americans.

S2: Yeah seriously, fuck those guys.

Game of Thrones Drinking Game for Drinking Gamers

My boyfriend recently got me into the HBO show Game of Thrones. Whenever my boyfriend and I watch something together, I have a habit of yelling “There they are, I was wondering where they were!” whenever I see boobs on the screen. Sometimes, for brevity, I’ll just shout “TITS!”

I found myself doing this to exhaustion by the fourth episode of GOT. My boyfriend was drinking a beer, so I said “You should drink every time there are boobs on the screen.” This was towards the last few minutes of the episode, so he only took about 10 more sips of his beer.

Earlier last week, we were discussing watching Game of Thrones and the drinking game. I suggested that we add a few more rules to the game. After much bickering, we nailed down the rules.

Rules For Games of Thrones Drinking Game for Drinking Gamers

1. Drink once for every boob shot.
2. Drink once for every cock shot.
3. Drink once if you see blood.
4. Drink for the duration of any sex scene.
5. If a main character dies, finish your drink.
6. If you see 1-5 all in the same scene, shotgun a beer.

The above pic does not count as boob shot....unfortunately.

Sounds pretty simple, but it is effective. I couldn’t drink last night due to illness, so my man was on his own. By the end of the seventh episode, he was drunker than a Irish sailor on New Year’s Eve.

Dear You Giant C-Word

So you back for more, eh? I should have suspected you were stupid enough to come back to get your ass kicked again. You’re like stormtroopers meets the foot. You come in droves, and you keep getting your balls handed to you. Your technique is sloppy and your aim is horrible

.

Like the stormtroopers, you live in this gargantuan mass that is ominous, but not without penetrable weaknesses. And where do I live? I live in the in the Millennium Falcon and have a timeshare in an X-Wing. With almost no effort I will destroy you, and without the use of a targeting computer

.

You may think I’m Alderaan. I am Luke Skywalker, Lando Calrissian, and Wedge Antilles combined.  I am a Jedi ninja, I will use the Force up your ass and then take some nun-chucks to your nads.

At times you may have made me feel like Raphael on top of April O’Neil’s apartment. But then I remember all the awesome friends and family members I have, and then I remember that I’m actually Splinter, and I will make 

you die…without honor.

Sincerely,

Heather a.k.a The Jedi Ninja

Breast Cancer Slacktivism

Another instance of Facebook slacktivism has been circulating. This one involves another extremely ambiguous meme that has the covert purpose of raising awareness of breast cancer. It involves posting a fruit name in your status that is a code for your relationship status (e.g., Blueberry=single). This is somehow supposed to raise awareness of breast cancer. In my experience, the best way to make people aware of breast cancer is to...make people aware of breast cancer. Giving people codes to decipher means the message is extremely unclear. Also, this meme does not encourage people to donate to any charities. This event is supposed to take place on Sunday. 

I ask you, my Internet friends, to not engage in this. It does not help the cause in any way. Rather, on Sunday, if you really do care about breast cancer awareness and research, post this link on your social networking sites: 

Want to ACTUALLY raise breast cancer awareness? Please donate:

 https://support.bcrfcure.org/civicrm/contribute/transact?reset=1&id=14

Sorry to be so forward, but as many of you know, this issue is sacred to me. 

Springtime! Blossoming Bosoms Abound!

My final surgery was undertaken on Wednesday. In addition to replacing the expander in my right breast with a permanent silicon implant, the surgeon also had the task of giving me the gift of cleavage.  I never had much had much of a cleft chest with my original set, and the chest expander robbed me of what little I had. Indeed, my breasts looked as if they were parted by Moses.  They didn’t look horrible or anything, they just didn’t look like they got along very well, as if they were opposing magnetic forces.

My new toys are still in their original packaging, but I can already feel that they are becoming very close friends.  This leads me to the ultimate question: what are some practical uses for new cleavage?  I’ve decided to compile this list of 30 uses so that everyone who is endowed with mountainous peaks can put their plunging valleys to good use.

Uses for Cleavage

1. Cup holder
2. Key rack
3. Hidden storage of valuables (money clip, cell phone)
4. Display case for action figures
5. Miniature flag holder on the fourth of July
6. Derringer holster, and along those lines...
7. Clip holder
8. Knife holster
9. Pen cup
10. MP3 player holder
11. Sunglasses case
12. Pez Dispenser
13. Hiding place for a Horcrux
14. Ad space
15. Snak Pak storage
16. Lipstick applicator
17. Tissue Box
18. Martini shaker holder (shaken by dancing to Juvenile)
19. Beer-Bong Tube stabilizer (while doing a handstand)
20. Hiding spot for Easter eggs
21. Mistletoe holder
22. Jump drive protector
23. Flower vase
24. Push Pop purveyor
25. Beer can crusher
26. Popsicle holder
27. Cookie jar
28. Holder for hands-free tooth brushing
29. Audio bug for espionage (ala True Lies)
30. Man attractor

45 Priceless Lifehacks

Here is some random bits of advice I’ve collected over the years. Some are philosophical, some are practical, all of them are golden.

1. Every once in awhile, ignore your instincts, especially if there is a high chance of fun and a low chance of harm.
2. Once a month, tell someone you love that you love them.
3. F6 highlights your address bar. Same with ctrl+L.
4. Study the Constitution. Memorize all the amendments.
5. For the girls- don't take your purse to the bathroom, everyone knows your on your period and you aren't fooling anyone. If you really want to be sneaky, get those compact tampons and stuff them in your cleavage. If not, woman up, stand proud, wave that tampon in the air and shout “I’m a fertile female and indubitably proud of it!”
6. Brush your teeth in the shower. It will save time and it will get your teeth cleaner. *EDIT* Brush your teeth while you are rinsing your hair off so as not to waste any water. Click here for more ideas on water conservation.
7. If your significant other asks you what you are thinking, always say “I’m thinking about how much I love you.” This will improve your relationship immensely. Don’t do this if you want to break up with the person.
8. When you think others are judging you, it’s only you that’s judging you.
9. Every once in awhile, just stop giving a shit.
10. Fear is meant to stop you from dying. Don’t let it stop you from living.
11. Keep a dream journal. It will help improve your memory.
12. If you know you have to remember what a person is saying, and you don’t have a way of recording them, ask them to say it three times clearly. Watch their lips move when they say it.
13. Read a book a month.
14. Keep your student ID with you forever. Use it everywhere to get discounts.
15. Instead of buying storage containers, stop throwing out glass products. A jar for pasta sauce is a great way for transporting your lunch.
16. Take care of your feet. Always wear shoes that are at least semi-comfortable and good socks.
17. Don’t watch reality TV, unless it’s a documentary. Watch one documentary a month.
18. Do or make something you are proud of everyday.
19. Learn to drive stick.
20. Learn the following bits of car maintenance:
1. Oil Change
2. Flat Tire Change
3. Battery Jump
21. Always carry a pen.
22. Learn to play an instrument.
23. If you are in trouble, don’t yell for help, yell “fire”.
24. “Walk it off” will not work for most types of physical pain, but it may help with emotional pain.
25. Once a season, take yourself out on a date. Give yourself a spa day, treat yourself to a nice meal. Write a love letter to yourself.
26. F2 renames files.
27. Use toothpaste on bug bites and zits.
28. If you are making pasta and the water starts to boil over, add a splash of olive oil.
29. Don’t play charades against deaf people.
30. Don’t care about people’s beliefs. Care about their actions.
31. Financial Aid doesn’t charge interest if you pay it off within sixth months after graduation. If you don’t need the money, take out a Financial Aid loan and put it in a 4-year CD. Keep the interest. It’s free money! (I’m not totally sure if this is legal.)
32. Always return a car with a full tank of gas.
33. In general, don’t unpack your suitcase if you don’t have to. You are more likely to lose stuff if you do unpack.
34. Stand on the right, walk on the left.
35. Be nice to the new kid.
36. Accept the fact that you don’t know anything. Read Socrates.
37. Learn basic home repair.
38. Don’t overreact, don’t underreact. Just react.
39. Success is 49% talent and 51% persistence. Never give up.
40. Moisturize.
41. No one ever got better by winning. Be a gracious loser.
42. To open stubborn jars, tap the side of the lid on the counter first, then open.
43. Clicking links with the Middle-Mouse (scroll wheel) will open them in a new tab.
44. The Golden Rule applies to romantic relationships as well.
45. Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

New Blog Started

Because I don't have nearly enough blogs (three and counting) I've decided to create a new one just for my webcomic. It's the most awesome comic you will every read in your lifetime. Enjoy!

http://flibbertyjibbitjamboree.blogspot.com/

A Sneak Peak Into What I Do With my Spare Time

I've been working on a lot of non-blog related writing projects lately. I will post them when the time is right. In the meantime, I would like to share something personal with you.

Sometimes, when I'm bored or have writer's block, I like to come up with headlines for The Onion. This is a leftover habit from when I used to run a alternative/humor paper. I hope you enjoy this sample of the headlines I've come up with over the years. I should warn you, some of these are based on true stories. I'd like to see if you can guess which ones.

Headline Ideas for The Onion

1) Closeted hardcore sports fan still trying to convince gay friends of his homosexuality

2) Crazy Girl insisting "you never listen" or some shit

3) Nation's Toddlers Express Dissatisfaction with status quo by screaming, rolling on floor

4) New concealer reduces women's age appearance to fetal stages

5) Local Man was like totally wasted off his ass last night, dude

6) Why I hate Couples, by a desparately single female (not humor)

7) Local Dumb and Ugly girl's facebook shows too much face and not enough book- Bimbo Brownbagger

8) Online Doppleganger generator yields displeasing results

9) Every sentence puntuated with glance at iphone

10) Malapropism misdefiled in dictionary

11) White man views only black friends as his own personal, real life magic negro

12) Procrastination Key in Immortality

13) Child of McMansion Suburbs Realizes There Are Many, Many Places Like Home

14) Absence Makes the Heart Grow....Meh

15) Why Marriage is a Social By Product by Boyfriend

16) Stop stalling and make a commitment by Girlfriend

17) First Came Love, Marriage Left Unsatisfied Yet Again

18) John Boehner Threatens to Karate Chop the Limbs off Congress

19) Local Man Drinks too much, Takes advantage of self-  "I woke up with a tube sock around my junk.  I was so humiliated."

20) Guy You're Dating 100 percent full of shit, according to friends

21) Hippie's lack of carbon footprint offset by abundance of dickishness

22) Boyfriend convinces girlfriend of porn collection's rising resale value

23) Recently Single Man Immediatly Gets Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Friendster, and LinkedIn Accounts

Stupidity is a Lifestyle Choice

Intellectual elitism. This is the new adage for the American people. It is our political zeitgeist. Because of this, Americans can now add “stupid” to this list of adjectives the world outside their borders assigns them, right between “fat” and “loud.” It seems the American public has lost erudite ways.

Since when is it ok to be stupid by choice? I hate to pull the cliche phrase “When I was growing up...” but when I was growing up, I was taught that the brain is the strongest muscle. I was also taught something else: intellectual elitism is an oxymoron.

In my science class, we would learn that every animal has evolved different survival traits. Cheetahs have speed. Gorillas have strength. Rats have strength in numbers. I remember asking my teacher exactly what survival traits humans have. She didn’t answer with words, she just pointed to her head, and we all understood.

Human beings have (supposed) superior intelligence to all other beings. Our intelligence has made us the dominant species on this planet. Intelligence has advanced civilization, saved lives, fostered technology and the arts, and has even fostered itself.  While advanced intelligence has never achieved celebrity status, it has always been revered. Until recently.

Our recent political discourse seems to demonize anything resembling cerebral snobbery. This confuses me, because don’t we want smart people in politics? These are people who are in control of civilization, so therefore don’t we want people who have the capacity to understand how civilization works? The problem is many Americans are told to vote using anything but their heads. Fiscal conservatives are told to vote with their wallets. Women are told to vote with their uteruses. Patriots are told to vote with their hearts.

When I was a young girl, I asked my grandmother why she didn’t vote for Ross Perot (I was told there was no such thing as a stupid question). She told me that “He’s fit to run a company, but not fit to run a country.” This statement didn’t hit me directly. Instead it led me to form my own political philosophy. As I became older, it became more refined.

Most people vote for someone who shares the same core values as them.  This is the same mentality we assume when we are looking for a life partner. This concept is inately flawed, because a life partner relationship involves only two people. A political relationship involves a whole society. Unfortunately, the life partner relationship is not a microcosm of the prudish American society.

Rather, when we vote for a person, we need to pretend that we are voting for a boss at work. If you were able to vote for your boss, would you rather prefer someone with little experience in your field who happens to share a similar lifestyle to yours, or a person who has experience, intelligence, and fortitude? We want someone that can not only keep us employed, but who can also keep the rest of the company afloat. This is pretty much where the metaphor ends since I don’t want to get into capitalist/healthcare debate.

Perhaps the blame for this brainy bafflement could be at least partly fall on intellectuals. As opposed to physical acuity, mental acuity seems to be squandered. While physical athletes purposefully place themselves on pedestals of inspiration that beckon their followers to ascend to their heights, intellectuals shut themselves out of mainstream society. What we don’t realize is that we have the power to control society, because it is built off of our ideas. We are not part of the machine, but we built the machine.

As I said before, intellectual elitism is an oxymoron. Intellect is what makes us human. Since we are all human, it can’t be solely the property of the elite. We all own intellect, but we have choice on whether or not we use it. The average human has the capacity for great ideas, much like the average human has the capacity to run long distances.  Every human has potential, and it is an insult to ourselves to not explore the wonders within our own minds. If we don’t find our mental skills, it is because we are self-limiting and lazy.

Some say that they don’t have the capacity to solve certain mental problems. Whenever I hear someone say “I’m bad at math” or “I can’t learn a language,” I tell them to do the following:

1) Forget you are bad at X.
2) Accept that every problem with X has a solution.
3) Accept that you have the capacity to find that solution.

If they don’t follow these rules, they are just being lazy.  Our society has always denigrated physical laziness. We need to start denigrating mental laziness as well.