To the Person who Stole my iPod at King's Dominion

To the person who broke into my car in the King's Dominion parking lot, this message is for you. I'm operating under the assumption that you are a person living in poverty with a family to feed. In this case:

-Thank you for not breaking my window. You must have used a jimmy to undo the lock. I consider this a very polite gesture on your part.

-Thank you for not stealing my car stereo. It looks as if you tried to pull it out, but then thought the better of it. The stereo is not worth much, but it did take a lot of effort to install it and hook it up to my now MIA iPod.

-Thank you for not stealing anything else from my car. I had a garage key card that looks remarkably like a credit card. You did not take this, or perhaps you were to smart to be fooled by it's looks.

-Thank you for not stealing my car.

-Thank you for not popping the trunk and stealing the Toaster Oven that I bought for my cousin for her wedding this Saturday.

-Thank you for the thank you note you probably left. I am assuming it was just blown by the wind.

-Thank you for stealing from me at a family-oriented amusement establishment. I was in a very good mood when I got into my car, therefore the absence of my iPod did not bother me as much.

-Thank you for reminding me that I shouldn't get emotionally attached to inanimate objects. I was with my friends and had a great time and that is what matters.

However, if I come into the knowledge that you are not in fact living in poverty and do not have a starving family to feed, the following shall take place:

I will fuck you.

No I don't mean I will have carnal relations with you, I mean I will fuck your life up.

I will kick your ass so hard that you will only be able to pee through your tear ducts.

I will shove my foot so far up your ass that you will taste last night's dinner again.

I will pull the hairs out of your legs one by one.

I will tape your eyelids open, then pump in droplets of hydrochloric acid into your eyeballs.

I will make you listen to the entire theme song from Friends, twice.

I will coat your ass in honey, then drop an army of fire ants in your crack.

I will rub your chest with a cheese grater, then spray it with a lemon. In fact, I will do all the things to you that Wu-Tang has threatened people with.

I will video tape it all and send it to the Iraqi insurgents, who will then say "dyyyyyyyyam, that bitch is hardcore."

And since the aforementioned iPod was a gift from my boyfriend, I will find your significant other, fuck their shit up, then rob them of 300 bucks for a new iPod.